One by one

Once we lived where the biggest worry many of us had was what we would be doing on the weekend. Now we are all filled with fear fears of religion, fears of the human race. We should be scared of people's mental health not the religion they follow.

In Australia we are called bleeding hearts if we don't want people in refugee camps, those whom should be processed should be processed not left to rot on a detention centre, isn't the life they had to lead before the date today, taken in to account?

If they aren't going to be accepted as refugees send them home, and let them be killed and try and sleep at night, that's the real problem our government can sleep and nit think about them. 

When did people forget that what makes this country great is we are built on a mixture of humans from all over the world, sometimes people need to ask themselves where did you come from, and how did you get here? Instead of being ignorant and joining the patriotic ban wagon beating your chest, saying your Australian. It's about opening your arms up to others, that mateship spirit only shows in disaster or tragedy. Sad but true, we don't see our mates life goes on. And on.

I don't blame the Europeans who look at us and look at us as a slack country, we let our families fall apart. And that's not right the slack country because we don't keep things together, we have a problem in this country with domestic violence and people are more worried about boats coming to the shores of the country,use these refugees as productive members of society.

The country seems to have it's thinking all twisted we are happy to allow an Indian coal mining company to make millions out of our minerals but we don't want boat people? Watch what you wish for because they will import their workers to take your jobs. But it's okay for the people from other country to make money from us, just not live here with us? Kind of strange isn't it.. 

I will never understand why people will continue to hate others when they don't even know them, how someone can judge another without even learning about it, to be judgemental when we all have our own faults, sure I have an opinion and that's what having one is about provoking the thoughts in others, things that are hidden tend to be what turns the pages in our history books, I wonder if those spoke about what war does as this generation is will change the way in which we approach wars in the future, or will war just continue? I hope and I look at the universe and I beg for it to forgive us for destroying the beauty in which we just rape and forget to flourish it with love, we don't give enough back to the earth from which we take, we destroy it. 

We can't even love or care for what allows us to keep our feet flat. People say god will return some day? I don't believe anything will return, what people need to watch is the sun and the way it is burning the earth and even your own skin, the earth is mad at us for pumping gases and pollutants into the atmosphere. If we are reincarnated we have destroyed the earth that will feed us. I wonder if you will jump uo and down about water before coal then? I am far from a greenie but I know something's would work much better we have it all here but we take the easy way out. We dig our minerals when  the soil and the earth don't have these things all mixed together the earth fails. So the more we dig and destroy the further we ruin the lively hoods for our children and their own children, we don't seem to care, some do others are too busy making wealth and making themselves look fancy with a flash car or home. As long as a home is warm and strong that's all that matters. 

We take too much for granted like the human within. We as parents teach our children the difference between rights and wrongs, we fill them with knowledge and manners. But something is going wrong when the younger generation has list respect for those who are older than them, once we learnt from those older than us now the younger generation seem to know better. Better because they haven't been taught that those who have walked before them are wiser in life and will guide you right. That doesn't matter because it's about being better than another or being on a higher status, we all die. So we are all fucked because that's all there is after life, death. Your going to die. 

The day you die people will cry for a few weeks it will be raw but as time hoes by people forget you, they don't care to remember you or live by their promises to you. That's all there is death, so why do we live in away where we need to hurt each other? 

When I die I hope to meet those who gave a shit about me at some stage. Not those who tried to ruin me in life but those whom tried to push and boost me toward my dreams and goals. My animals I hope to see again if it is just to smell their breathes is all I get I'll be great full, for that. But we can't guarantee that our loved ones will meet us, some tikes why should they? When we haven't been loyal to those who they loved. Without some in our lives we struggle some of us never heal, some of us never feel like we fit in the puzzle anymore. The puzzle is broken and it can't be fixed because one or two major pieces are missing. 

Can we live as one, I don't think so, sadly we all strive to be happy that's all in life we just want peace happiness and love, now when we look at life as a whole we can't really say we have it or many of us just want it. Accept me love me. Hold me and accept me, acceptance starts within and when you find that and when no one else seems to be able to accept you that's not your problem that is theirs, when your at a point in your own life where you have pushed it away or let it go, you don't need that glimpse to turn things around again. It won't make you happy you need to remember how things end. 

I embrace what I have although it's not much a smile and kiss, my own family means so much so I really don't understand what can make another family fall apart. I can't be the glue I'm not that special. I have a bigger job and that's to teach my child to love even when others say love is wrong. To fight for what's right with passion and courage. To be a something when I was nothing, this gift I give to you a chance to try what you like in finding what your dreams and passions that will drive you to who you want to be, I'll try my best not to inflict you with my thoughts and opinions and listen to yours. 

But I won't carry hate in my heart because I want to break a chain, the link that continues won't solve the problems it's when we all take the chain cutters and break the padlock this is when we make changes.

I'll be the parent who visits and calls my children and show interest in their life no matter how old they are. I'll be a support system when you need me and a bystander when you don't, I'll teach you the differnece between wrong and right. I may not be perfect and I want you to make mistakes too. All I wish is people could think for themselves instead of flocking like sheep. Smile at another for they have a story as well, it's probably no different to your own you haven't opened and asked yet so why? Haven't you? Is it a threat? Don't be scared of what you don't not know about learn to feel the fear and meet them, open your eyes to something new every day, ask questions and things will help us all to learn as one. We will never always agree but we could walk this world hand in hand as one. 

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if living is hell and when you die is when you actually have freedom and not a worry in the world. Who knows what happens when we pass, we could all be just work food. Some of us probably better tasting then the rest.

We all try and find something in life to connect us to something it maybe our partner our families or even our job, we all have dreams and desires but sometimes we get so stuck with what's going on we forget to look and see the future. We all have one think about it, this moment we live now will become a memory a lesson you will learn something from. It may make you distant it may do nothing, but it won't continue, 

I believe everyone in a time of their life they have felt alone, isolated and sad, some more than others. In society it's a struggle to find you place to be accepted for what ever you become, you come into a world and people love you unconditionally, they have these dreams for you, they try and instil their thoughts and opinions in you , and then you grow up and form your own, and it may differ from theirs but it's doesn't mean it's wrong. There are many differneces between being wrong and right. It's how you perceive things. Some can see things with open eyes and an open mind others just use one or the other and don't change their ignorance. 

Not everyone is right even if you say something, it may not be what another thinks but at the end of the day where was it we learn things? Our parents in the old days teachers didn't have the responsibly to teach your children how to read, remember when parents read a book before bed? I don't really remember it but I like to pretend I did receive this in my life, but considering my reading level is so poor I doubt it, it may just be that dream I have or that thing I wished for, sometimes we can convince ourselves we had something that we didn't, 

Our childhood and forever in your life your family are this part of it, whilst they will bicker and turn against you they will expect you to pull a seat up at the Christmas table and chew the food with a smile. If a friend treated people the way some families treat them you wouldn't go back for more. When you are pushed out your out. You know your young too have to fight in the end. Regardless I am still my fathers daughter and it was he he worked hard to provide for us. We always owned a home, we always had food. We just didn't have that thing that every kid wants time with their parents, learning things, the only real communication I remember is being told I was stupid. Or it could have been a good day and how that girl on the hockey field was a hog and I should have played a game or whatever, 

Maybe I expect to much. But a family is this model of people who allow a person to grow and thrive into adults productive adults, the more you seperate yourself from them the more you have a risk that, your child will miss out. But it is them who miss out when they don't visit. 

I wonder now when I will see happiness and this will go away? But questioning my grief is like questioning why the trees grow the way they do. Grief is something I have felt since the day my father died and all connection was lost. I don't know who is lying anymore or telling the truth, I can only make decisions on what's happening and what I see and this, what I see is a disgusting display of how to love a child forever. Does a parent hit an age and stop caring or did they not care all along? 

Every single mountain has a place that's hard to climb it's like life every situation has emotion attached to it, you can come out scar free or you can come out damaged as well, we get both. We can't have one without the othwr, forgive and forget? You can't you have feelings this is when you know you have a heart and you care when it hurts and you can see that you have been set up like a stupid puppet. 

Maybe this is just a practice run for the next life, where I will pick better family not just go yup that will do, is it so I can come back count my losses and not need to wait for others to cross my way? Who knows I guess I'll let you know the day I die....

I'd rather have pets than family

A mothers love should be unconditional not based on manipulation and games, if you are reading this you probably googled something and this blog come up.

This story is one of a fucked family who can not accept a child, a child whom made there house full of laughter once, but that child is gay oh fuck me how terrible for them to have such shame, connected to them in this way. 

Whilst I can see my mother is onset of dementia especially when she sends a daughter who she doesn't talk to a birthday card and ignores another, you could have a sibling who is using their own powers to egg what they want, the inheritance. This will be going toward her care, you failed caring for her when you failed to notice the signs. 

A young baby born bearing the surname foreign to others but familar to us, we have taken our heritage seriously and want to connect to it because the way families in this country connect is "sz lack" or on their own terms. Twisting and telling stories whilst I have written evidence so when you lie once my evidence makes you whole story fall down. But not wanting to know this baby is your loss, it's not uo to me a ill person to travel to visit you, it goes two ways, 

I didn't call on your birthday well I did Infact and I asked what it was like to be 70 , it was you who rejected our gift of a small family trip. You would rather a weather meter one that measures the rain, so the only ones that do that mount to the roof, that golden son whom is neglecting to look after you is too lazy to get on the roof, so get a basic one that doesn't measure the rain and then I'm the useless daughter all over again. That's unfair to be this way and the problem is your continuing this bitter turning of people against each other chain, in vein what ever it be your doing the wrong things and you need to stop, I can't tell you what would I know? I mean I have an illness my work is palmistry and tarot readings. I'm not a shitty cleaner, does it make you wonder if you caused your own work demise when you made me, convinced me guilt tripped me into messaging a work colleague about your neice. 

You wiped your hands of this but feed the bullet until it shot, maybe they thought you were aggressive when I was seven, you were pathetic when I look back on it, that and cruel you think because you walked your kids like dogs you were a good father?  Considering they call you by your first name instead if dad should tell you how bad you were as a parent, a child should always respect that of their parent. But when you allow disrespect you can not expect them to thrive and be good role models towards their own children.

My sister the drunk doesn't even understand why I am being called dad and believes I'll confuse our child, don't send her to school she said, and I won't socialise her either. What's a father these days? It's not the person that comes in your vagina to make your child it's the person who protects the family, changes the tyres on their kids cars. The first person they go to with a problem, because ia don't have a dick doesn't mean I can't be dad, there are plenty of dick bearing fathers out there not doing there job, the name should be associated with good memories not judgement, she will always know she is a donor child, just because her donors sperm was used to make her does not make him a father, a father is in a child's life. Maybe people need to stop giving men credit for their dicks and maybe look at how they treat their products. 

It's kind of all twisted when you refer to this concept, Jesus is the son of god, so who is god? An identity. So that makes them what male/ female or are we all just seriously believing in twisted truth? I don't follow the teachings of the bible, I can't read twists and tongue or something that judges another before taking ownership of their own problems. Fuck I'm far from perfect and I have never ever said I was. I'm opinionated because when I was a young child my parents wanted me to be a leader , now they want me to be silent a follower. That's not who I am and they should look at me as their product. They made this, maybe they need to go back through their lives as parents and remind themselves that they neglected their children of three important words "I love you". 

There is no person in this world who can deem themselves higher than another we are not that powerful as humans we like to believe we all have this power but we don't we are all the same at the end of the day, we crave the same thing love. Being pulled and torn, pushed between things because they can't do it and then throwing their hands up in the air and blaming that I smoke pot. Like fucken seriously , I hope you never have a muscle disease and need to smoke it yourself it's a very narrow minded view when that's how you see things, OxyContin is better than pot? Maybe you need to take 20 years of the shit yourself before you come to this conclusion,I don't understand how they keep their eyes shit and keep on being nasty. You don't want me , do not talk about me. Don't even say I exist if I provoke you that much change your surname. Or learn more about your heritage and let your fucken hair down. 

My mother wouldn't know how to love something without getting something in return, her negatives and enabling of stupidity is a terrible trait one at which frustrates the shit out of me. My mother may work at a charity organisation, but charity starts at home, you shouldn't be giving advice or helping miserable people when in your real life your nasty. In real life you neglected your own children, in real life your a cunt. Just because you work at a charity and converted to being a catholic doesn't mean it wipes out all the bad shit you have done in life. If still all counts. Is this another reason you hate me is because I am able to be happy and have what I want in my life when you couldn't? Because you had missed out on things you said so should we, most parents want better for their kids, it makes me wonder why did you even bother breeding? Society was it? 

Your older children are all insecure they can't be alone , if a relationship fails they need something to replace it, I believe if my brothers ex wife said come back to me, he would go. No doubt why would you be with a person for ten years and not live with them but use all their utilities? That's using a person when you should be at home caring for our mother, remember my birthday when you tied to hit on that other woman, and people think you wouldn't have it in you, who knows what you have in you, your as miserable as her and you both fester in that house. With your negative gossip and putying down of others, hello siblings were meant to stick by each other, when did they become all high and mighty? Many have secrets I don't in transparent you can see it all, if I do something wrong I'll explain it all I don't care I'll take my own fall. I'll take skin off break the bones and all. 

One day ill work out why we need family because I see it as totally over rated especially if they are using bullshit to manipulate it. Fucken cut me from it. But know this when she goes I'll get my fair share or nothing at all but I won't use tactics to make sure others miss put or take a fall, I bet he gets her to sign it all over to him, she wouldn't remember. Her memory has been thin for sometime it's as though she has forgotten who she was and tries to be this other person, I haven't forgotten when you have the scars you don't. 

O

They aren't who they once were

Many could empathise with this, who is the person you once knew?

When your told a story sometimes if the person isn't dead if they are still living and they don't match that story and the person says to you "how am I meant to love a person, I don't even know or like anymore". Yet at the same time blaming themselves for the reason they are like this in the first place.

See many years ago, to many people's disbelief her brain was zapped to stop her from wanting to kill herself, relying in her eldest daughter for support during this time, she could see that her mother would commit the ultimate sin she would kill herself and leave a legacy. For her family, rather than seeing her mother do this she supported her having the depression gland in her brain to be terminated. Would you do the same? Knowing you had younger siblings knowing that if you didn't listen to doctors advice, psychologists advice that today we would be visiting a grave. 

She is a shell, she doesn't like me even though I am the one thing that holds her child up after and during these times of guilt. She has no filter and whilst she doesn't like my opinions, I use my mind, maybe this is what she fears most. 

My opinions stem from her own misuse of her children, no being able to connect on an emotional level or add the support they need, ignoring and enabling things and showing not by words but by actions there is a favourite in the mist.

I have kept quiet for sometime and I can't watch this destroy my partner because do the hurt, and the isolation to which she feels. What may seem a game to them a visious circle of denial we are the ones who suffer the most. You can't say a thing outloud because she will repeat it, why because she is fucked. And my opinion is if your going to hurt your own child and I'm the lover of that child you can't do it without having some kind of confrontation or conversation with someone who can see from the outside what's going on.

It's a shame people don't look at things from their own outside they would observe how stupid they look at times, I do it all the time. But even when I see what I have seen of myself it isn't that bad. I have morals and I'm loyal. I can not speak the same for others.

Family betrayal is the worst as it leaves damage in the wind, an empty feeling that a parent can leave a child is the worst feeling of all. Not feeling like you actually belong to them, if as a parent your going to pick a favourite don't say it outloud and do not allow your actions to portray your feelings.

When it comes to things I feel used and used badly. Being the first who will lend money or being the first to lend the ute. Yet having no one to help me when I need to collect wood to keep a baby warm. There seems to be no understanding and lots of ignorance happening that we do not understand. We can't make others think in a sensible way we have strong opinions, how dare we and no way. 

I am watching this destroy my partners feelings being here and maybe it's time to break with chains and move, find a place where home is home and no one else needs to be apart of our family. We intend on breaking the chains that have left us feeling alone and isolated as children. And they might not like this decision, but it needs to be made for us and our future as a family. My partner can't blame herself for not liking a person she is meant to. It's not her fault she can't see her own faults and won't change.

You can't be made to feel like shit and then be okay at the next family event, one of which we aren't invited to thanks to tax payer funded lap band surgery. Don't worry the weeding is soon. So after that she will be fat again by Christmas. Her failure is she still eats shit just smaller amounts of shit. She says we shouldn't feel special she treats everyone this way, now if this was your child who had children wouldn't you pull her aside and say something? Or would you just blame the educated child? 

You created this monster yet you enable it to get worse to use their children as weapons, even you are scared to say no, when she needs her free day care. Buying gifts doesn't make a grandma .. Ma it just proves that's all you can do. It scares me it should scare you, but you can not see this can you? You fail to see your own faults. 

You disrespected me when you talked behind my back, you disrespected the one person who has loved your child unconditionally. You ignore the fact I contribute. You ignore everything because all you see is what you want to see. Doesn't matter about me it matters about your child and if you can't see what your doing to her your more fucked than I thought. You best avoid me because all that happens when things come up, is another layer grows inside of me one that makes me want to confront and tell you how fucked you are and you don't like my opinions or what I say because what? They are true? Don't like your delusion being mixed up its best to continue to live the lie in your head as of it doesn't exist. But guess what it does, I might not be a bully enough for your daughter, maybe I'm not mental enough. Maybe I should be hitting her or controlling her or maybe I should just sign a prenup. Maybe you need to look at yourself and stop trying to analyse me because you know what you are way off track with me, you have no idea and you don't want to see it anyway, it would mess your delusion up. You need zapping again. One that zaps you back into reality because this fantasy you live right now is destroying your child emotionally. Who holds her when she is hurt? Me not you. 

You call me mental yet your on all the medication for mental stability. I have my mental state under control when one points fingers the way you have, I'm more concerned about you not me, but I'm more concerned about what you are doing to your daughter you know the one you pushed to get 100% in tests and when she got 99% you asked her where the other one percent was. You pushed one child not the others and look at them they have no qualifications, they have homes falling down. They don't even know the basics of how to do house keeping,  You can't even show your pride. 

Trust me on this one and I mean this loud and clear the chain stops and it breaks right here, you can't play games with my child's mother and think that your not playing games with my child as well. The time has come and I can't shut my mouth anymore the onion skin layers are peeled back now and the eye sting is coming. Never make a person feel low, especially your own beautiful intelligent child, treat the all equally and allow them all the tools to achieve, don't just throw expectations on one and not others. Be equal if you can't don't continue your garbage when you are 50 it's time, your half way, you could break these chains but your scared, your scared of the wrong person, I'm the one who will say something the other will use her children as a weapon, but your forgetting your the free baby sitter and you buy them shit. So you have done this yourself .. 

I doubt you will change but I wish I could have meet the person before not this one today. I don't like her much either, but I have to. I can't imagine that person being my mother.. 

Always

Always speak your mind, no matter how hurtful,or unkind.

Mistakes are made so we can learn.

Hurtful mistakes can make you crash and burn.

And when your the victim, you wonder when it's someone else's turn.

With sayings like "what comes around goes around".

Screwing with your head. 

It doesn't help when your the one lonely in your own head. 

Pain drives into ones heart, can make you crumble apart.

Wanting to die to be apart if something big like the sky.

Unwanted not needed and they will wonder why...

No hello, no call, nothing to say nothing. 

And when your left here your the one wondering why?

YESTERDAY I THOUGHG GODAY WOULD NEVER COME, BUT NOW ITS HERE, I WISH I HADNT WISHED IT AT ALL BECAUSE IT WENT AS FAST AS YESTERDAY AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED AT ALL.

Humble pie, lovers lie.

Humble pie, lovers lie,

Have you made it yet? 

Never breathe deep without you,

Escape yourself, find nothing.

Debt no wealth.

Is it the fear because your still near,

Tearing at this ratty soul.

Struggling daily , to avoid this broken heart,

Using the strongest glue.

My bleeding flesh, a day passes by.

You can shoot at the sky.

Mother Nature might shed a tear.

Your drought has already broken,

With waterfalls of tears.

Who do you want to be now?

Not even knowing where to start.

You, yourself tearing the world apart.

A disgrace always off ones face.

Escape it feels like a better place.

Like the high of live, slowly things change, 

As you start it come down.

Is it really worth it. Anyway?

Starting all over with humble pie,

Losing the love who was once was your life.

Don't look at the stars and cry.

Pick those feet up.

Next time I see you you won't know why,

I turned the other way it will be for humble pie.

I can't live with lies.

"SORRY IS A FIGURE OF SOMEONES IMAGINATION, THAT SORRY IS A WORD THAT MAKES EVERYTHING ALRIGHT" 

The dysfunctional life ..

How do families work? In this world today we all live with some kind of disfunction, it's a sad fact of life that many families have no connection to each other. 

We live in a world where bindies and thorns are not only in our grass but in our hearts. 

It is true that those who should accept us no matter what often make us feel the most isolated.

When you have children you see things differently you want a connection with those who should want a connection with you, in my life I have found that being accepted isn't the biggest problem, it's communication and lack of it, my own family can find me confronting, when they won't say things I'm the gun they load up and I'll shoot. Saying what may hurt, I have learnt what hurts others is often the truth. I have also learnt that on social media it's do as i say, listen to my opinion not Gina's. Such attacks on an individual can be distressing. We all deserve a right to defend ourselves. Or give our sides of a story. 

Sadly I'm not so deluded that I ignore my own intelligence and I often base things on facts or fairness because I don't like being wrong. I will speak words that will protect others just as vulnerable as my old self once was. My opinion and voice is something I have the ability to use unlike my body. Whilst people can sit sourly getting angry at me, I'm happy to unleash my troubles because I can't carry toxic things around inside. They hurt. 

A CERTAIN PROTECTION

Even though I have a sibling who wishes to ignore me I refuse to allow others to have a go at them. There will always be that loyalty there, even though you don't talk to me. You can bag me out with your lies and the story you are making up in your head about me, the reason you really dislike me is because is sent you an email that burst your bubble. And because you lack the ability to converse with me it won't be resolved and you will continue to make a story up about me asking you for money, I have your money but I am keeping it as compensation for your cruelty. All I wanted to do was be warm and you would kick me , call me a slut and a fucken little whore, I was 7. But I still protect you.

PURE IGNORANCE 

sadly children haven't been taught the same respect, enabling people to be arseholes doesn't help situations at all. Your children are that children and when adults are involved like aunties ,uncles even grand parents you are not a weapon and not should you use yourself as one. As pure as ignorance can be allowing children to ignore or be arseholes to people older than themselves is a terrible trait, it is adults who are parents who need to relay the parenting styles they wish returned to them, when you teach your children a behaviour such as being rude or ignorant to their elders, especially relatives you need yo give yourself a massive upper cut, you haven't only failed your children but also the society they live in by enabling such adults to behave in society. 

CAN WE GET PAST, THE PAST.

How dare we grow up just as our parents wanted us to, not be like others, to be yourself and then when you do your an outcast, school bullies create people they don't think so they think it's funny at the things they did, without realising the effects, and the effects can't be just left in the past, because they shape who you are or what you have become and achieved. When you lack confidence and self esteem you miss so many chances and opportunities to succeed. Unlike the bullies I have yet to forget you can't pick on someone every single day and expect them to move on, I didn't get that button nor that magic wand.

BEING DEPRESSED

Isn't it funny when you kill yourself everyone will say I wonder why.. They should have told me, I have and I have been ignored so my cries for help being ignored is just a s isolated as I feel in my daily life. Would I be missed, I doubt it, only 4 things would miss me and that's not enough, when you have more who should care, it's as though your cries for help are non existent so why care? Being in a Dark place hasn't been nice. I have been attacked by a person seeking popularity and attention no matter who they take down on their way to the club. Just because people agree with you it doesn't mean your right, it often means they are sheep and are too scared to rock the boat. You are all born with voices but fail to speak the truth or words that may get you unpopular with others who are involved in a toxic pool. You often need to think who is behind the screen and what's going on in their life, because people fail to visit face to face anymore, we are closing doors and pushing people away, and it's getting less personal each and everyday.

We are all so fucked and dysfunctional that it's becoming a fact in life that soon we won't have anyone beside us loneliness won't be a word it will be a state of life and mind. You won't have connections to humans we have lost it already, what we should live without , and what some of us want to live without like Facebook have created addicted monsters you can't talk to people on the phone or over a coffee anymore they have their faces often glued to a screen and wouldn't realise the skin cancer growing near your eye, they don't see the redness from the days you have cried, we need to step back and smash all of this that keeps us connected these days we need more hugs and conversations face to face. Before we lose all times of laughter and fun. Sad but true. The only reason I write this is because this is the only way your going to read it I was to say it, you might runaway like people in your day to day life not knowing what to say. Don't ignore the people you shouldn't because tomorrow could take them away .. 

Happiness is within

Many people are very unhappy. This doesn't mean we all need to be unhappy. Breaking unhappiness is one of the hardest things to break, just like living ones self it can be very hard to do. It is easier to be unhappy and down in the dumps then be chirpy and show your happiness to others. 

When we struggle with unhappiness we tend to drag others along this unhappy rapd we lead. A smile doesn't always need to be fake to get you through, peel use fake smiles every day think of the fake smile you gave across a room to a stranger. We do it so we don't have to sit there looking blank, smile rather than ignore, ill smile rather tha ignore that person across the room, maybe il know them from some where. 

We are transparent, our faces can flush colour, the colour will drain when something we hear isn't expected or worrying to others, when people have done wrong by others. And you confront them the colour will flush from their faces. Because you have made them face it themselves.

We aren't personal in this world anymore, we don't hold secrets well. We spread a word like a disease spreading through a population. But stories tend to grow as they get more momentum and more people get to attach wording to the story. So don't always believe on heresay. Heresay might come from 27 differing people whom have made the story a little better with a little fabrication. It's amazing how fabrication can make things look pretty or worse then they really are. 

Without fabrication no real good stories would be written nor would they be told. They would be hidden secrets, people would not learn, could they move forward or move on? Just because of a fabricated story? Seems today we needs to be lied to this way it won't interrupt our delusion or the lies we live by. Having to reajust the way we live can be a hard task. 

Any task is a hard as you make it, and the bigger the tool box the easier the job, in other words allow your kind to expend with lies and the truth. You can grow as a person through fabrication, your life can be a whole lie of you want it to be. Sometimes making something up in your mind can be much soothing and relaxing than living with the truth. TV shows have much to answer for unrealistic relationships. And high expectations romance. Not everything is a TV show, we would like our partners all to be like someone from our favourite movie. But let's be honest about how life really is, we all have our own roles to play in our own TV shows .  We write our own stories, every chapter has it's ups and downs like a drama, it's what we do with this drama.

Being unhappy in a relationship is one hard thing to change, but this all begins when we try to change the person we are with, this control isn't healthy. Look at your own relationship now are you happy? I mean do you like to spend time with your partner? You don't need to talk their company is enough, when your partner likes to do things and you don't, it's not fair not to compramise, lets say your partner likes to come home have a beer well you can't complain about that, some people really struggle with the hype that woke has attached to it. Does your partner stop you from having wine? So what's the problem, a few drinks at night was a big thing for many men, these days they come home and drink it's better for them to be able to be honest to you rather than lie, when you suppress a person your suppressing yourself and not allowing both of you to grow. If your relationship is like this it's toxic. If your partner is deciding what you wear or how you do you hair, your not good enough for them. A perfect person is a person you don't want to change in anyway, they come to you from the universe and you don't need anything else but yo hand that person nothing material will surpass the fact that some day you could be seperated by death.

Thinking a child will fix things has been a young woman's mistake that's been made since the start of time. You can never keep a man by having his child and if your relationship is shit to begin with why would you bring a child into the mix? Children aren't like dogs you can't throw them away, well you can of you don't have a conscience. To many people think a child is a weapon and use them that way, your child is no weapon, your child needs your guidance and support you are your child's role model in life and they need you to teach them wrongs and rights, many woman today are single mothers and they can't rely on the child's father, financially or emotionally. Don't answer questions with a negative response, give yourself the time to be honest to your children, always answer with when I find out the facts I'll tell you, remember you can never really answer for another. Why doesn't daddy visit me? You can't answer this, is it because he doesn't love me? You can't answer this question you need to tell your child that you can't answer questions for others and the importance of always communicating their feelings through words or writing. 

Have you ever given your child a pen and asked them what they feel? Many children can't express their feelings because you have never expressed your own. 

Love has so many means so teach your children all of them but the most important love of all is to love yourself. 

Men out there also make wonderful fathers so if you have a wonderful father out there embrace him and thank him for being a part of your child's life. Even if you are not with them and they do their job thank them, dragging children through family court aren't really in the best interests of the child, take a moment to think. Is it worth the hassles? To get his super or to put him on a poverty line because he hurt you had? It's not okay. If a father wants to see their child they will drive for miles they won't fight a parent who is providing a loving environment with opportunities. Just because you want to hurt your ex is it worth hurting your children too? No amount of money you have when your child is 17 will help their mental status when they are feeling torn and depressed. Distructive behaviour like this is dangerous and your child deserves every opportunity to succeed and you the role models need to be there. 

Being a father doesn't mean you made the baby. Just because you had a fuck one night doesn't mean your capable of looking after children so of you are selfish and not ready for this in this day and age there are a lot of ways to protect yourself, if you want to sleep around do it, just do it safely. What a father is, they listen to their child's needs you don't need to buy your child the best bike or the biggest Easter egg. Your time is what makes you a father, being their to show your children the way. Holding their hand and sometimes being a father means you don't even need to be a man. You just need to have that hand. 

When you feel sad many people need to emotionally detach from things and step out and look at things as a person from the outside. When we see things when we are angry or emotional we don't make rational decisions. When if we took a moment to see things as others we would see them in a practical way. When you can give others advice it's time to take your own, look in the mirror and talk to yourself, you don't have to agree you just have to talk to yourself, when you see yourself things will make sense and don't be surprised if you laugh so hard you wet yourself, because seeing things can be humerous and it can be a great way to heal.

To many people get stuck, we are meant to live longer so why are we cutting ourselves off short, we not often get things like opportunities given to us and many of us who do waste them, you hate your job or can't get a job? Well what do you want to do? To many people seem to think things fall out if the sky, that's only for the fortunate. And often those of you who sit silent doing your work will never be noticed for higher roles, why allow the hardest worker a position of power then may move away. No good manager has friends at work. Think of those you have worked for in climbing a ladder at work you won't make friends so if you want to keep others happy just stay where you are, don't allow yourself to be so loyal that you won't change or look for something better, it's always out there but you need to take the steps to do it, these days we all need a qualification so get yourself qualified and don't even think twice about it , famous saying can be oh but it's going to take z4 years those four years are coming anyway so why not use them to better yourself. Pick something you have never heard if before, you will find that your brain is a sponge and loves new things we just don't allow ourselves to do anything new because we are familar with what we do. Never burn bridges, when you leave a job give notice and always keep the door open, of my job is still going and it doesn't work out can I come back, those bosses who know the work you do will either offer you something better or keep your seat open. You can get any job if you have good references so make yourself known at work, and make your mark, the world owes you nothing so if you have your hand out one day a rock will fall from the sky and chop them off, your happiness at work can mean ,any things will fall into place. 

You need to take the steps now to stop your unhappiness, we aren't all depressed we are often all just stuck and to many times we just let things pass us by, we don't give ourselves the credit and we don't allow ourselves to try, why would the universe provide you with anything when you won't change anything? Tomorrow starts with you, today was the day you thought about it tomorrow you will slap the faces if all of your negative voices in your head and you will find your ultimate place it's called happiness. 

Can you see a future,

In life we tend to think too much of the here and the now we think of ourselves. We all strive to give our children the best education and health but we do not think of their future prospects. Often we are living in the now and we forget our industry may not exist in ten or twenty years time.

Does it matter? Some people don't want to think ten years ahead but let's be honest many of us will be here in ten years and this maybe very different for us, our shoes may change many times, we may lose a loved one our jobs. Things happen that change our paths. We can all sob and be sad or we can look for something bigger, that may be for us as well as our children. Failure to do so is just leaving our children to be deemed "dole bludgers" not by their own choice by the worlds demand. 

Not all children will be born equal many have to try harder to be what they are passionate about, this stage in our lives in this country Australia we should be concerned about what our children will have as companies continue to go offshore. 

Some children won't go to university they don't have that desire or passion to, some just want to be plumbers and mechanics. These days with manufacturing dying within our country where will these children obtain this work? In the mining industry?how will this happen when the family man needs these jobs? Mining only works in towns when all the money is spent in the town, not when they travel 45 minutes away to buy fruit and veg or clothing. Things can be ordered, people aren't patient we want things now, yet when you order something off the Internet you wait patiently then as it comes through the post. Why can you not do the same when it comes to local business?

Having a vision is not selfish it's a part of life. I would love to see everyone have a fair go as once was ment to be the case as the Australian way. Where was this lost?

When people vote to stop boats and when our government put fear in to people because of what someone wears this is not just, nor is it justified in a fair country. 

Where has the spirit gone where we help each other out when someone is down on their luck? Or have we all become so selfish that we don't think about others, it's about how much money we can put in to our own accounts. Is it about showing everyone how fancy your car is. Or that you have purchased a house in some flash estate, you can't take this with you when you die, so why the need to build wealth? For our children to waste? Often this is the case, many children whom have walked in to generations of business these days will opt to sell and sit on the beach, whilst their fathers before them worked hard with this dream to have this business pass through the family. 

I can't save the world , I can't save anything when people are so against me, I have compassion and vision, this maybe because I don't have a mobile phone and maybe because all my conversation isn't through a text message. I prefer to talk you know communication. Your grand parents will know about this so ask them what it's like to know another by face not by a screen name. I'm not popular but I'm not here to be popular I'm here to provoke your ways of thinking. Agree or not you will have to think about it, it may make you angry or it may make you agree. Bit either way it's about doing this. And getting you away from a phone or the Internet and to look at things for what they are.

Have you ever looked and noticed how much everything has changed? You couldn't have noticed that things like newspapers aren't here anymore as much as they once were. People will go online to read the latest news. That was my trade book binding, books are on creek now days , you don't get to smell the glue or the paper, you have your dirty fingers scrolling through each page. You can't read your notebook when the battery is flat a book never goes flat. It's full of knowledge and education. It could be a love story a biography or a scientific journal about food. But no matter what it is it was written to be read, much as books were bound to be read. 

One day people will want old fashioned as we have become so out of touch with each other we take people the wrong way because of the way they type. Some people are just blunt and honest. Can you remember growing up and your parents just wanting to be yourself, why is it when we become adults we are expecting people to follow thoughts like sheep. 

The beauty of being an adult is forming your own opinions and thoughts they may differ from your parents teachings. They may have evolved. Big thinkers made big changes in the world. We don't think anymore our thoughts are often a come back on social media to a thoughtless attack on your intelligence or compassion for another. 

When you have someone thinking rather than them just leaving it and having those thoughts they will attack you personally. Yet of they were attacked in ten same way it would hurt them just as it has hurt you. 

Would it hurt if people took a moment to walk in someone else's shoes? 

Could you? 

When is privacy not privacy?

In this day where people use all for,s of technology to communicate, it can bring the good and the bad out in all humans. We see people differ in opinions rather than walk away their is always someone who is out there to "get you". 

I'm yet to understand why or what kind of satisfaction one would get out of doing that.

I believe it is someone who really dislikes themselves, so rather than fix their own problems they find it easier to Erupt and cause problems for others.

People seem to never take responsibly for their actions anymore. They believe being spiteful of having that upper hand will allow them some freedom within themselves.

I don't understand how someone can hate yourself that much that you can't fix yourself?

I don't believe in hating people. I dislike those who fuck with me and I allow the goodness of the universe to fuck back using its mite, where karma can inflict a person but nothing with the toxic venom they carry within.

I don't understand how someone can hate others, I think hate is a horrible thing. I find it repulsive when humans talk about their ex partners stalking them photo shopping everything they write, walk away let it go if you have to stalk your ex maybe you should actually be dating them rather than hurting the one you are with.

This is how I e come to privacy, Facebook has account settings that allow every individual to lock their account this allows privacy, when a person writes on their wall and if the persons wall is secure and for friends only to read it is a pure betrayal to screen shot and share with a stranger. This can do damage. If its on a personal private wall no one has a right to ask others to do it for them. I have found myself stuck in a world where I am thrown in to others bullshit bit when it comes to people actually standing up for me they seem to betray me.

When others allow a young person who is spite full maybe because they think I live a great life, maybe I do, maybe I am really lucky that I like myself.

Even without my filter I can enjoy who I am, it's almost like there is one set of rules for you and another set for me. I believe in equality and I believe in freedom. I believe we are all born with a brain and no opinion is ever really right but I can believe in what I do without fear of having my privacy attacked.

I am at home whilst others are able to protect themselves I have to sit here and wait. Funny how the dual can utes stopped stalking but the other hasn't.

Really I must fucken make people think? Why else would others dislike what I say take a personal offence to it? Unless they have no moral standing in this world, if they believe the world owes them something often this is the case.

I have seen this first hand in my own family so I know it exists. 

When bitterness and betrayal happen its can only burn the person who inflicted the bite. The bite may take a while to come back and bite you but it will.

I will forever be who I am I was born this way, personality and all. I don't rely on my looks I don't rely on money I don't rely in friends I rely on me.. 

I will forever protect my privacy even if others do not respect my wish to do so..

GLN

Have a budget that works.

Many people ask me how is it you save when yo earn next to nothing. 

In fact when I use to earn $1000 a week I found myself spending more but having nothing to show for it. Where did that money go? On reflection I was wasteful, fast food, smokes wanting to party and live the life. But when it came Christmas time or a birthday or even car registration I would be scratching around for money and really struggling. Why? Because that $8 a day I would waste on lunch would have equated to money in my pocket, I could have made my lunch. So I was spending $40 a week on lunch. In the big picture $40 a week would have equated to $2000 a year. 

People today put to much emphasis on what we want not what we need. Do you really need that new iPhone? What's wrong with your old one? Nothing so why do you need a new one? 

There is nothing wrong with wanting the best, but do you need it?

When I suggest people save I always say what are you spending money on that you really don't need to? Like McDonalds 3 times a week maybe? Learn to cook your own burgers. It's often because people are lazy they would rather buy then enjoy the taste of a home cooked meal. 

Eating out should be a treat a reward not something you do because its easy.

When shopping do you buy things that end up being thrown out? People walk every isle when this can tempt you in to purchasing that special only to see it sit in the fridge or cupboard for months. To expire then be thrown away.

Everyone can save. It's about looking at your bills and rent and making that and food your number one priority, what you have left in your hand say it is $100 a week and you have a family, you have rego. What are you doing with that $100 left over! 

If you put $20 of that in to a separate savings account get the bank to shift it the day you get paid, by the end of the year that's $1000.

That's your rego and some Christmas gifts covered. 

People find it easier to be in debt live in credit as its easy to pay things back rather than save money.

Do you own a money box? Buy yourself a coin money box and make a habit of putting all of your loose change into it. 

Consider this have you ever purchased something with cash? Have you ever walked in and paid a big bill off and felt the relief? You can feel this all the time if you budget wisely. And you need to be realistic when your doing this. Write a list of things you have purchased over the last 12 months, how many things did you really need? Where would that money be better spent right now?

I will give an example a single income say $700 a week

Rent $250

Food $120

Phone - Internet $25

Fuel - $80

Loan- $200

I would suggest you put money on a power bill but its up to you, if you are saving you will be able the cover the bills , like rego and electricity bills, birthdays and Christmas, even when your fridge blows up you won't need shop credit because you will have cash. And cash talks people.

Leaves you with $120

What are you spending this on? Is it worth it's? Do you NEED IT?

If you use a credit card first thing in the morning cut it up and concentrate on paying it off or combine it in your personal loan and the monthly repayment put it on your new loan.this will free you up. From $120 for me I would concentrate in saving $50 a week,if you smoke cigarettes try things like rollies, this will help you A cut down because you will find yourself not wanting to roll them B save money because it will be cheaper.

Because of stress many people have habits like smoking and drinking, try and find the cheapest way to do so. And be sure people don't miss out on things because if this habit especially you! 

Rent that's a lot why wouldn't you buy your own home? Rent should never be half of your pay if you are using 50 percent of your wage to pay your rent, you need to look to buy a home. You could purchase a cheap home and the repayments would be less than your rent. 

It's nice to have cash in your wallet but its even nicer to look at a bank balance of $5000 in your savings when you have nothing.

Some people say no live or today. But what happens tomorrow if your whole life changes you can't work? 

Important things to do for low income earners. 

Shop at Aldi, or where you can get a bargain 

Buy bulk it's better to buy a full rump or scorch fillet at IGA and butcher it yourself. For $23 you will find yourself with 25 steaks.

Have a money box and make an habit to put loose change in it.

Put money into your super, contribute the first hours on monday work by salary scarific, salary sacrifice everything you can its a great return for you at tax time.

The government also contributes dollar for dollar, it's a good way to save moneywithout  noticing it.

Also on your super check you have things like permanent disablement and death insurance on your policy, often it is worth running these via your super because its cheaper than some of the life insurance and workers insurance.

Overtime use overtime money as either a larger payment in a debt or save it, pretend you never received the extra cash.

Do not lend money to others, be stingy often people take forever to pay back a debt, your not a bank so you don't have the power to demand payment from friend as a bank or company can demand a payment.

Always have a number or a target, 

Start off small, reaching a goal like $500 will give you freedom, reaching $1000 will give you more, and so on. 

Remember you are a money making machine, you are potentially worth $100s thousand of dollars you need to look at where you are purchasing out of sadness or buying things you really don't need. Everyone has that jumper you brought that's never been warn? Sell that shit off. Many people hold on to things that add nothing to their lives if its not sentimental it's shit. 

Impulse buying seeing something that grabs your eye, often marketing people use tactics to make people buy "crap" they don't need. When you see something like this walk around the shops or come back later.

Buy things that are good quality, if you are one of them people on buy and sell sites buying everyone else's shit that you don't need unlike these pages unless you sell yourself do not go buying other people's trash.

Saving is about dedication it's about writing a number down and going for that target, the more money you see in your account the more greedy you will be, in a great way this will allow you to pay bills your rego, if you have to drop everything and travel across the country you don't need to be using your weeks pay to do it and leave yourself short for weeks if not months to come.

Working people

I challenge you all to save $5000 50weeks .thats one year 

In the first 10 weeks I want to see a balance ina secret savings account.

If you can show me this time next year that yo have a zero balance today and by the end of the year you have $5000 you will get two free face to face readings

Pensioners 

As its harder for you to save I manage $40 a fortnight 

So that is $2000 at the end of the year.

If you to can save $2000 by the end of the year and show me proof you will also win two free face to face readings.

Conditions are only thing you can take from the account is money for registration and one power bill . The rest has to be solely savings.

So by the end of the year pensioners should have $1500

And you working folk $4300

Starts as of today 22/11/2013

And this is all in numerology power numbers 

11

22

2+1=3

33

So lets see who can save...

I may alter this as its not a fully finished blog but I will be adding more in as we go along.

Good luck 

Gina 

The love you make me feel

Have you ever had that person in your life that makes it all complete? This person keeps things together. When your off balance she will help you find your feet? Have you wondered how anyone can accept you just the way you are? 

You do you take my strides as they are you love my laughter my complaining your not changing gears quick enough in the car.

I gave you my heart and you have treated it with care taking it everywhere. I watch you grow and not fear who you are, I admire your work and I feel so proud of you, words would never say the gold star you are.

In my life I had given up on love, and love had to many expectations, when its hard work all the way, we take our time and we climb mountains and we get what we need.

I love you because you give me everything I need. When I need a hug your the one I grab hold of. When I need help to put my pants on your the one I call.

When I feel weak I know you will be strong. What I can't do you can visa versa and that's what makes is belong together. 

There are many plans for us to for fill in this life day by day it will take time, it will be my hand that holds yours through this time.

My heart skips a beat. You sweep me off my feet. For everyday it's you I long to greet.

The dogs don't understand when you go away. Every return is rewarded with 3 happy dogs tails wagging tongues flapping, getting under your feet. 

Home just wouldn't be home if we weren't together, things wouldn't feel nor be the same.

Sometimes we are not perfect, something's are hard, it makes us stronger and makes me love you longer. I don't need to always talk it just having you here that makes it complete, the part where you put pressure on my back with your stinky boot feet. 

Nothing matters, not much else exists as family to me but you. You are my family my love my life and if the laws could be different you could be my wife.

A piece of paper, no jewellery nor gift would prove our love. We do not need a reward or something to prove what we have, and that is each other,

To see you be a mother to see you hold our child is something I hope to treasure for the rest of our lives, a gift we could never thank enough for a gift only a special person could give. They will be this child's god parents, but we will teach it everything we can about love and life. How to be compassionate to their fellow humans how to love animals an nature, they don't have to be smart or pretty, they just have to be themselves unique and able to be confident in life and love and with all we shall teach this child they will have everything they need to survive this world, 

Take my heart forever my love as it belongs to you, for you are all I have ever wanted in life and ill take it you will do. You fit me just fine. Together we make one. 

I wish I could carry the earth for you and provide you with what every butch should but I am weak an ill version of what I should be. 

I give you all I have and you will never get rid of me as death will be all that will part our ways. 

Today you are my lover tomorrow your will be my lover and next year you will be my lover. Till I die I will love you, until my heart stops you are mine :) ..

I love you Ammie more than you will ever know, like seasons they will come and go and together we shall grow. Our family will get bigger and the farm will grow. Together we are one and I would be a fool to let that go when you know this is real and true it's sticking like glue. I stick to you. 

Real depression

Real depression.

My story of how I beat depression and I don't mean the over used word these days for sadness, but depression that you hide so deep it kills your soul.

This started when I was very young a felling of not belonging, having siblings older than I relying on my imaginary friend, because it was the only friend I had.

I never forget my first day of kindergarten, most kids love going to school for me it was leaving my mum, I suffered separation anxiety. I understand what my dogs go through if I happen to leave.

It was hard being little, my brother Todd was angry I understand why but he will never have the chance to deal with it whilst his wife keeps him from his siblings who know what happened to him. It was one night at nana and pops where our uncle lived. Our grand parents had this fold over lounge it was red in colour and you could feel the springs and bounce in this lounge, my sister would sleep head to toe with me, I could heat him weeping " what's wrongs?" I remember taking my 11 year old brothers hand and saying "you sleep with us". The anger started not long after that my parents brought a house that backed on to the school, my father made a gate that opened on to the school so scared little me didn't have to walk a around the street. 

We had a Vulcan electric wall heater every winters day. Angry would wake and scream you "fucken little slut" kick me.. "Move you cunt" I fatten wonder if all the pain I suffer today was because of this. 

My mother not knowing what to do would ignore it but my sister wouldn't or couldn't. She would retaliate bashing him up. 

I was 7 when my sister left home and she left behind my first dog a black cocker spaniel named Muffin. She was something I learnt to speak to. I never forget one day after Todd had hit me I smack muffin outside for nothing. Why did I do that to the one thing that loved me the most? I still hurt from the thought of this. 

I thought growing up would be different, I was this hockey star in mys sisters eyes and I guess if my parents had of kissed more arses my career would have taken me places. Instead I needed to be popular. I had to hang around the cool people, I think now back on this how I was their puppet and slave to the canteen. 

Whilst they had all the boys swooning over them I was dealing with having crushes on people. My best friends sometimes I wouldn't miss a day of school because I didn't want to miss seeing them. 

If I only knew what the hell I was back then would I have acted differently?

Every day of high school was a nightmare a new day meant more name calling, more taunts all I could think of was how my sister was like my friends loved by the boys.

Funny thing is she lost her virginity to a skipping rope handle, because she didn't want to be a bragging tool for boys at school.

Here I was some ugly duckling, a lesbian hanging around people who really didn't be it.

I didn't feel a connection to my parents I felt, different like I angered them, I was friends with people who believe they are above me these days. Yet we shared the same shit.

I decided at 24 I would foster teenagers, not young kids everyone seems to think young kids will be easier, but the satisfaction I got from teenagers was much better you could talk to them, not always answer their questions but I knew this was probably the only conversation these kids would have with an adult.

It was during my training I finally understood what we lacked in our childhood it was these simple three words "I love you". We didn't have hugs or emotional conversations they were not apart of who we were allowed to be.

As I felt so alone and separate from everything in life, I found love my first lesbian love which was hidden as the town was small, she ran a small business. It was deep, we were great friends and lovers. She had children who had a chance to explore as I did in the same mountains. When that ended the way it did I lost a lot my heart. I couldn't comprehend how someone her age could be so indecisive, especially since I have been that age myself. And know exactly what I am. We had a house we repaired from being a shell to our home, blood sweat and tears and our love put that place back together.

The way it ended her father died and she wasn't gay anymore, he could see us from heaven and she jumped into the arms of a man who she married quickly. I guess it was a way of making people question what our relationship was? 

Once again I felt alone, work was hard as my boss had found out second hand that I was gay. And would make comments, it was hard enough fighting my own feelings and thoughts, having to deal with negative comments about gays and lesbians everywhere on the news in the local pub. 

This world wasn't for me where did I fit, no one knew this pain my diaries are full of notes and words I wanted read at my funeral. I would cry myself to sleep and numb the pain of loneliness through a bottle of Jim beam and pain killers. 

One evening the day before the GST was introduced I had enough it was a Friday night, I had struggled with a Friend with benefit doing my head in, I had work calling me a pedophile because that's what us gay people do is pray on kids, my boss had seen the Mardi Gras us gays are perverted. Aids spreaders.

I had come out to my mum, her first words were " don't tell your father". There were no gay people where I lived. 

I wasn't every lesbians cup of tea they seemed to date people who didn't look like me.

What was wrong with me? My head was spinning every thought was just getting out of this life just going away. That evening at 10-45pm after tears I become numb, a feeling where I just was thinking of me not anyone else, not who I would leave behind or how they would feel, it was just me.

I looked at myself in the mirror and with the emptiness inside of me I reached for a bottle of sheaf stout and muscle relaxants. I would pour hand fully of pils into my palm and just swallow. 

After about 65 tablets I remember dozing it was cold and I was meant to play hockey at 1pm the next day. 

I woke up in a daze and vomited on my sheets, all I wanted to do was go to the toilet but I had no comprehension of time, I was calling out to my mother, yet I hadn't lived at home for over 7 years. I can't go to school. I would come in and out of it. I tried to walk to the toilet but my legs had no control. For 2 hours this went on until Smity came home he opened the door I fell into the lounge and broke the door. He kept screaming wha did I take what did I take. 

He told me he had called an ambulance and in my head I'm saying no I don't have cover yet so confused I was in and out of losing site of life. All I wanted to do was wee. The ambulance came as did my friend from hockey. This was not like me I would do anything for the team, and what was going on with me couldn't be seen.

I didn't say I'm depressed or I wanted to kill myself to anyone outbloud, and the times I did it wasn't for attention it was because I knew my mind and its capabilities.

Not one person knew I had this illness, not like today when it's an over used words when people are often just sad.

People often judge me and think I am ignorant to depression, this is not the case at all, I know real depression isn't something one talks about, you won't even open yourself up to professional help. You believe you are destined to die and it will be at your own hands.

Depression today is and for those who really have this illness still suffer in silence, when one takes their life at their own hands who knows about this? No one could stop this because nobody knew!

Until you have suffered this depression where it's a focus on yourself and ending it all for yourself, where no one else counts but you. Don't use the word Im depressed. 

Sadness is something we all suffer and it's what you do with the sadness you feel that will he,p you grow, we all come into this world alone, our thoughts vary from person to person our opinions and emotions are real. Our feelings are what allows us to be compassionate and to love others.

Do I want to kill myself today? No even though today my life is filled with chronic pain, constant exhaustion, I see every day is a new day. Where I may meet new friends and learn a new start from someone else. Do I get depressed? No

Do I get sad? Yes I'm human and I have learnt that much of the pain we feel hurts like it should, heart becomes one if you feel the pain, nothing is easy, life and death being almost as quick as the other. I believe we are all here to make a mark on the world.

I may not achieve everything that I may want to in this life but I won't allow negatives t hold me back.

I shall make my angels proud, I shall love myself and my partner as we both deserve. I shall love the pets whom have taught me unconditional love. I shall meet people who will come and go, as I may heal, I may never get the thank you I may wish for, respect and love we all deserve.

I will learn from my lessons and allow myself to be angry when people do the wrong thing.for I will do only to others as they do to me, as in life and in death I shall be free..

So if your depressed you know what I mean for those of you whom write it all the time. You are making those whom have a serious illness look like fools to doctors and drugs get prescribed that often hinder do not help. So next time you go to write your depressed, thin of those out there whom really are a mess...

G.L.N

Mixed

As I look at myself and wonder why I am such a fuck up, why I don't fit. Everyone I know has some kind of connection to someone, my connection is to Louey. I thought my life was going to be this wonderful thing, just coming out gave me some kind of ultimate freedom, I'm still lost. My soul seeks all that others do and this is love, I wish I could love myself. I know I allow things to roll off my back, like water that rolls or beads on a freshly polished car. I look in the mirror and I see failure, frustration, as my friends seem to be so happy in love whist I strive for this. Where are you? I have looked on buses, in shopping isles?

I gave up last week because I figure I have to live this world and not dream of you, give you a name when your nothing but a figure of my imagination. 

I now hug my pillow, it's been 2 years now and being alone has been trying days seem to roll into the next. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. And I just wish my heart would stop. And someone else could use it, someone whom really wants to live. I'm 25 should I dislike myself this much? 

I don't see myself as a person I feel like I'm stuck in this shit town with disgusting accusations being thrown at me by what could be a dirty man hiding behind his accusations. Surely 10 years of service is enough for people to see this is a sick insinuation, why does it feel like everyone wants to get rid of me? 

I should go sleep in a cave and runaway from the world, I don't know this place. 

No one seems to be one bit interested in me as a person, no one seems attracted to my look. They all want something, that I am definitely not. 

I feel as though my family don't want me around, that all this bullshit that's been said has made them think of me differently, think of what I could be doing in my bedroom. 

I am drinking every night I don't want to wake why can't I just spew and choke on it? 

I feel like the only place I belong is in my hockey team, but then there she is the ex. My first lover fuck what a nightmare. She turned up with a man she had met on a Internet site. They are engaged talk about kick in the guts. 

I feel like I'm using my own messed up shit to manipulate every situation around me, do I want blood on people's hands? What am I getting from life? In general I see it as nothing but restless fear inside a body that can't show feelings. I haven't had a hug from a human for sometime now, I'm feeling numb to connection. 

I look at kids with cancer they can have every healthy bit of me and let them grow, why let someone suffer mentally I'm so confused, I just want to die. I can't feel anymore anyway. The years are dry...

I can't see anyone struggling even people with lost limbs seem more together than I am, I'm a mess every period is like I'm dropping a bucket of blood and my body is drained. I can't think with anything but my heart, because my head has absolutely no idea what is going on at all. 

I don't want to look at this person anymore that looks back at me, why should I like me when others don't see worth in me, if no one but a pet wants to love me without condition. 

I swear there must be a sunshine after a light, that a cloud is a tear that I need to cry.. 

Ill kill yell before I continue this asking of why...

Living with pain

Thinking back to the days when I suffered just lactose acid build up in the muscles, the joys of the 2nd and 3rd day as you would rub the stiffness and sadistically enjoy it.

I use to get my period, they say we lose 3 tablespoons of blood, more like 12 cups I found I had endometriosis. I found myself an awesome gynaecologist Rosamary Lovell. My treatments were firstly to put me through early menopause, anyone out there with "hot flushes, cold flushed and mood swings" I'm getting you. 

Trying to brave this I would allow myself to go through so much pain that I would pass out.

The day I fainted was a shocker. I never forget my partners father had died and she had broken up with me stating in a letter that " he could see her from heaven". Nothing worse than being broken up with by a letter, text or email. Technology is cruel as are pens.

Anyway my partners daughter had asked me to cook them breakfast, I kept saying " I would later" .. I sat on the toilet and felt sick my head was light, I got up and the next thing I came to on the floor with a busting pain in my back. I walked pasted my partners room and I remember her screaming at me "you should have gotten pain killers"!!!!

The rest of the day I lay in agony, I went to work in pain and made an appointment to see this stumpy fingered doctor .. Better know to the town as the 'sex doctor' don't know why he didn't have no vagina pictures on his wall, or anything displaying concerns for sexually transmitted diseases. 

After a few X-rays and nothing showing up he said "you don't handle pain well do you"... 

He ended up sending me for a hotspot X-ray and this showed up a compression fracture of t3-t4-t5 and t6. Nothing was given to me some codeine and I was sent on my way.

I continued my love of hockey and my job. 

Almost made 10 years and I was pushed out the door accusations were made about my sexuality and the behaviours of "us gays". A man accusing me of having sex with my ex partners children. Sick prick, still I wonder what thoughts were running through his head at this time? Was it his own fascination with 14 years olds?

These kids I wanted to protect with my life, scared that at times their mother whom was irrational at times was screaming at them and then running of and leaving them would leave this kids scared. Worried that's these young girls having unprotected sex they may fall pregnant, here I was a young lesbian with pockets full of condoms and wet stuff, because I knew the consequences that lay ahead if one of them were to fall pregnant in that little town.

I started getting head a aches I had lost my job, I had to move, my relationship was destroyed and a home I put blood sweat and tears in was no longer ours. It was hers because I was made to feel guilty. But what human being would allow young teenagers to be on the streets? Not me.

My pain was the one thing I tried to manage by playing sport, hanging with close friends. I loved to dance and sometimes after a big night out I would feel lose and free, but the next time I did it was the ultimate caning of me.

I went to a place called the Hawkesbury in NSW, lived not so far from the river, I was offered an apprenticeship as an adult doing book binding, looking back on it, even though I loved it and gave it 120% I was never offered the same opportunities as my male colleagues and there laziness seen me pulling 2 ton pallets around a factory floor.

First day after a year off I decided to ring centre link and ask of I could attempt to go back to work, they said sure go for it. So I scored a job. Where they expected you to run around like a chook with your head cut off, minus the blood of course. Rush, rush rush, I never forget going home and saying how I liked it but it hurt my body, I just didn't realise how weak I had become.

The next day my house mate rolled me out of bed and I approached the stupid visor and said I needed to work less, so he gave me a 3 day week. 

Going to their competition was the end all and be all of my life as a print finisher for the printers. This was where I was paid $6-8 less than the men, whilst I would put my hand up for all the over time, see the guys couldn't do over time as they all relied on public transport. 

Despite this I wasn't recognised by this boss either. The business went to shit in the end and everyone lost there jobs. But I still feel today I was under paid and worked hard, my boss would get me to work with him, there is a sign of trust in itself. He was so focused on money and his men he forgot about the 2 woman whom did the hard yards there, and both of us suffered pain daily.

Today 5 years later my bones all feel like they sit on top of each other and with every movement is a grind of some sort, that causes some shooting fucked up pain, the head aches and the shakes. Not being able to walk, seeing it in your mind but not able to physically do it as others strut their stuff. I once had a strut too..

To lay in positions to make yourself have some kind of comfort whilst popping all the medications in the world to help mask what can never be cured.

Being sent to specialists for them to say its all i your head, put your hand in the door ill slam it, you tell me where your pain is? In your head or hand... 

Being old to walk four steps. And them saying you need to swim exercise and play sports again.

God complex surrounds many of these book feasting medical professionals and this is what makes the person with an illness feel so alone.

 I may look normal but when you see me walk you won't think this.

Pain isn't something that makes you depressed its something that can frustrate you as others take for granted what you do not have.. The ability to walk a mountain or work to make wealth. 

Is this the body of a 1973 vintage ... 

I ask people to google various things myosotis, shuermanns disease, chiari malformation, Parkinson's disease, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and imagine having all these diagnoses thrown at you, but no medical professional can help you.

  Do your own research

Even when you have a blood test ask the doctor for your results keep your own records, always ask for copies of specialists letters for your own file, also write down side effects of all medications prescribed to you, always ask your chemist for a print out medication sheet.

Therapies 

People will give you all kinds of advice on natural therapies, just swim it cured my Aunty. Just remember every person responds to treatments and medications differently. Knowing your limits is important. Pushing yourself when you have pain or injury can often worsen the problem, take your time and only do what works, do not push yourself or allow others to tell you to go harder, if something feels like its about to snap it probably is.

Make people aware of your illness. Post it everywhere until someone actually googles its.

Your not alone.

Many people whom suffer from chronic pain feel like they are alone, we don't have support groups out there where we can meet and greet. 

You can make connections with others. Be sure to know your illness research it and also get to know what doctors help and hinder, this advice can help a person just like you.

If you feel like your doctor isn't caring for you in a professional manner.

Sack him, never allow a doctor to tell you how you feel, only you know your body. Keep a pain diary and this shows you to are trying to manage your pain. It is a doctors duty of care to give you the best treatment and advice available.

I alway find that if a doctor fobs you off start demanding blood tests and cognitive behaviour therapy and pain management. 

When you know what is available they will start looking for you.

When your chronically in pain 

You can be opinionated, imagine your life being a frustrating and people around you complaining about needing to mow their lawn or take some rubbish to the tip. 

You can stare into space and often be called ignorant or a snob.

You spend 80 percent of your time trying to find things that will take your mind off pain.

You will offend people as your perspective and views on certain things will differ.

You will see things through different eyes and people will be sure to tell you to get an education or they will often feel a need to try and mentally fuck you over just remember your body is tucked never let anyone touch your mind.

Laugh at the world

Only you will laugh at things that others may seem disgusting or out of the ordinary, only you will see the funny side of things.

Don't give too much of yourself 

It's always when you suffer yourself that you tend to lend a hand to others, people will know your on a pension and think you have money so they will often pull heart strings. Think of yourself forget people like this, often these people are capable of making their own money, seeing you as a vulnerable target is often the case. 

It's because we hope others will help is in our times of need, sadly these people aren't the ones whom help you, they are the ones making excuses not to help you.

Remember this. Only people with the strength can handle pain on a daily basis if god exists he gave this to me because he knows I will make the best of every opportunity I am given. Whilst others will pity their lives I will still look for that day where I can run again... 

Even if I shall never run, the dreams and the visions shall always remain...

GLN