I use to get my period, they say we lose 3 tablespoons of blood, more like 12 cups I found I had endometriosis. I found myself an awesome gynaecologist Rosamary Lovell. My treatments were firstly to put me through early menopause, anyone out there with "hot flushes, cold flushed and mood swings" I'm getting you.
Trying to brave this I would allow myself to go through so much pain that I would pass out.
The day I fainted was a shocker. I never forget my partners father had died and she had broken up with me stating in a letter that " he could see her from heaven". Nothing worse than being broken up with by a letter, text or email. Technology is cruel as are pens.
Anyway my partners daughter had asked me to cook them breakfast, I kept saying " I would later" .. I sat on the toilet and felt sick my head was light, I got up and the next thing I came to on the floor with a busting pain in my back. I walked pasted my partners room and I remember her screaming at me "you should have gotten pain killers"!!!!
The rest of the day I lay in agony, I went to work in pain and made an appointment to see this stumpy fingered doctor .. Better know to the town as the 'sex doctor' don't know why he didn't have no vagina pictures on his wall, or anything displaying concerns for sexually transmitted diseases.
After a few X-rays and nothing showing up he said "you don't handle pain well do you"...
He ended up sending me for a hotspot X-ray and this showed up a compression fracture of t3-t4-t5 and t6. Nothing was given to me some codeine and I was sent on my way.
I continued my love of hockey and my job.
Almost made 10 years and I was pushed out the door accusations were made about my sexuality and the behaviours of "us gays". A man accusing me of having sex with my ex partners children. Sick prick, still I wonder what thoughts were running through his head at this time? Was it his own fascination with 14 years olds?
These kids I wanted to protect with my life, scared that at times their mother whom was irrational at times was screaming at them and then running of and leaving them would leave this kids scared. Worried that's these young girls having unprotected sex they may fall pregnant, here I was a young lesbian with pockets full of condoms and wet stuff, because I knew the consequences that lay ahead if one of them were to fall pregnant in that little town.
I started getting head a aches I had lost my job, I had to move, my relationship was destroyed and a home I put blood sweat and tears in was no longer ours. It was hers because I was made to feel guilty. But what human being would allow young teenagers to be on the streets? Not me.
My pain was the one thing I tried to manage by playing sport, hanging with close friends. I loved to dance and sometimes after a big night out I would feel lose and free, but the next time I did it was the ultimate caning of me.
I went to a place called the Hawkesbury in NSW, lived not so far from the river, I was offered an apprenticeship as an adult doing book binding, looking back on it, even though I loved it and gave it 120% I was never offered the same opportunities as my male colleagues and there laziness seen me pulling 2 ton pallets around a factory floor.
First day after a year off I decided to ring centre link and ask of I could attempt to go back to work, they said sure go for it. So I scored a job. Where they expected you to run around like a chook with your head cut off, minus the blood of course. Rush, rush rush, I never forget going home and saying how I liked it but it hurt my body, I just didn't realise how weak I had become.
The next day my house mate rolled me out of bed and I approached the stupid visor and said I needed to work less, so he gave me a 3 day week.
Going to their competition was the end all and be all of my life as a print finisher for the printers. This was where I was paid $6-8 less than the men, whilst I would put my hand up for all the over time, see the guys couldn't do over time as they all relied on public transport.
Despite this I wasn't recognised by this boss either. The business went to shit in the end and everyone lost there jobs. But I still feel today I was under paid and worked hard, my boss would get me to work with him, there is a sign of trust in itself. He was so focused on money and his men he forgot about the 2 woman whom did the hard yards there, and both of us suffered pain daily.
Today 5 years later my bones all feel like they sit on top of each other and with every movement is a grind of some sort, that causes some shooting fucked up pain, the head aches and the shakes. Not being able to walk, seeing it in your mind but not able to physically do it as others strut their stuff. I once had a strut too..
To lay in positions to make yourself have some kind of comfort whilst popping all the medications in the world to help mask what can never be cured.
Being sent to specialists for them to say its all i your head, put your hand in the door ill slam it, you tell me where your pain is? In your head or hand...
Being old to walk four steps. And them saying you need to swim exercise and play sports again.
God complex surrounds many of these book feasting medical professionals and this is what makes the person with an illness feel so alone.
I may look normal but when you see me walk you won't think this.
Pain isn't something that makes you depressed its something that can frustrate you as others take for granted what you do not have.. The ability to walk a mountain or work to make wealth.
I ask people to google various things myosotis, shuermanns disease, chiari malformation, Parkinson's disease, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and imagine having all these diagnoses thrown at you, but no medical professional can help you.
Even when you have a blood test ask the doctor for your results keep your own records, always ask for copies of specialists letters for your own file, also write down side effects of all medications prescribed to you, always ask your chemist for a print out medication sheet.
Therapies
People will give you all kinds of advice on natural therapies, just swim it cured my Aunty. Just remember every person responds to treatments and medications differently. Knowing your limits is important. Pushing yourself when you have pain or injury can often worsen the problem, take your time and only do what works, do not push yourself or allow others to tell you to go harder, if something feels like its about to snap it probably is.
Make people aware of your illness. Post it everywhere until someone actually googles its.Many people whom suffer from chronic pain feel like they are alone, we don't have support groups out there where we can meet and greet.
You can make connections with others. Be sure to know your illness research it and also get to know what doctors help and hinder, this advice can help a person just like you.
If you feel like your doctor isn't caring for you in a professional manner.
Sack him, never allow a doctor to tell you how you feel, only you know your body. Keep a pain diary and this shows you to are trying to manage your pain. It is a doctors duty of care to give you the best treatment and advice available.
I alway find that if a doctor fobs you off start demanding blood tests and cognitive behaviour therapy and pain management.
When you know what is available they will start looking for you.
When your chronically in pain
You can be opinionated, imagine your life being a frustrating and people around you complaining about needing to mow their lawn or take some rubbish to the tip.
You can stare into space and often be called ignorant or a snob.
You spend 80 percent of your time trying to find things that will take your mind off pain.
You will offend people as your perspective and views on certain things will differ.
You will see things through different eyes and people will be sure to tell you to get an education or they will often feel a need to try and mentally fuck you over just remember your body is tucked never let anyone touch your mind.
Laugh at the world
Only you will laugh at things that others may seem disgusting or out of the ordinary, only you will see the funny side of things.
Don't give too much of yourself
It's always when you suffer yourself that you tend to lend a hand to others, people will know your on a pension and think you have money so they will often pull heart strings. Think of yourself forget people like this, often these people are capable of making their own money, seeing you as a vulnerable target is often the case.
It's because we hope others will help is in our times of need, sadly these people aren't the ones whom help you, they are the ones making excuses not to help you.
Remember this. Only people with the strength can handle pain on a daily basis if god exists he gave this to me because he knows I will make the best of every opportunity I am given. Whilst others will pity their lives I will still look for that day where I can run again...
Even if I shall never run, the dreams and the visions shall always remain...
GLN
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