Mixed

As I look at myself and wonder why I am such a fuck up, why I don't fit. Everyone I know has some kind of connection to someone, my connection is to Louey. I thought my life was going to be this wonderful thing, just coming out gave me some kind of ultimate freedom, I'm still lost. My soul seeks all that others do and this is love, I wish I could love myself. I know I allow things to roll off my back, like water that rolls or beads on a freshly polished car. I look in the mirror and I see failure, frustration, as my friends seem to be so happy in love whist I strive for this. Where are you? I have looked on buses, in shopping isles?

I gave up last week because I figure I have to live this world and not dream of you, give you a name when your nothing but a figure of my imagination. 

I now hug my pillow, it's been 2 years now and being alone has been trying days seem to roll into the next. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. And I just wish my heart would stop. And someone else could use it, someone whom really wants to live. I'm 25 should I dislike myself this much? 

I don't see myself as a person I feel like I'm stuck in this shit town with disgusting accusations being thrown at me by what could be a dirty man hiding behind his accusations. Surely 10 years of service is enough for people to see this is a sick insinuation, why does it feel like everyone wants to get rid of me? 

I should go sleep in a cave and runaway from the world, I don't know this place. 

No one seems to be one bit interested in me as a person, no one seems attracted to my look. They all want something, that I am definitely not. 

I feel as though my family don't want me around, that all this bullshit that's been said has made them think of me differently, think of what I could be doing in my bedroom. 

I am drinking every night I don't want to wake why can't I just spew and choke on it? 

I feel like the only place I belong is in my hockey team, but then there she is the ex. My first lover fuck what a nightmare. She turned up with a man she had met on a Internet site. They are engaged talk about kick in the guts. 

I feel like I'm using my own messed up shit to manipulate every situation around me, do I want blood on people's hands? What am I getting from life? In general I see it as nothing but restless fear inside a body that can't show feelings. I haven't had a hug from a human for sometime now, I'm feeling numb to connection. 

I look at kids with cancer they can have every healthy bit of me and let them grow, why let someone suffer mentally I'm so confused, I just want to die. I can't feel anymore anyway. The years are dry...

I can't see anyone struggling even people with lost limbs seem more together than I am, I'm a mess every period is like I'm dropping a bucket of blood and my body is drained. I can't think with anything but my heart, because my head has absolutely no idea what is going on at all. 

I don't want to look at this person anymore that looks back at me, why should I like me when others don't see worth in me, if no one but a pet wants to love me without condition. 

I swear there must be a sunshine after a light, that a cloud is a tear that I need to cry.. 

Ill kill yell before I continue this asking of why...