My story of how I beat depression and I don't mean the over used word these days for sadness, but depression that you hide so deep it kills your soul.
This started when I was very young a felling of not belonging, having siblings older than I relying on my imaginary friend, because it was the only friend I had.
I never forget my first day of kindergarten, most kids love going to school for me it was leaving my mum, I suffered separation anxiety. I understand what my dogs go through if I happen to leave.
It was hard being little, my brother Todd was angry I understand why but he will never have the chance to deal with it whilst his wife keeps him from his siblings who know what happened to him. It was one night at nana and pops where our uncle lived. Our grand parents had this fold over lounge it was red in colour and you could feel the springs and bounce in this lounge, my sister would sleep head to toe with me, I could heat him weeping " what's wrongs?" I remember taking my 11 year old brothers hand and saying "you sleep with us". The anger started not long after that my parents brought a house that backed on to the school, my father made a gate that opened on to the school so scared little me didn't have to walk a around the street.
We had a Vulcan electric wall heater every winters day. Angry would wake and scream you "fucken little slut" kick me.. "Move you cunt" I fatten wonder if all the pain I suffer today was because of this.
My mother not knowing what to do would ignore it but my sister wouldn't or couldn't. She would retaliate bashing him up.
I was 7 when my sister left home and she left behind my first dog a black cocker spaniel named Muffin. She was something I learnt to speak to. I never forget one day after Todd had hit me I smack muffin outside for nothing. Why did I do that to the one thing that loved me the most? I still hurt from the thought of this.
I thought growing up would be different, I was this hockey star in mys sisters eyes and I guess if my parents had of kissed more arses my career would have taken me places. Instead I needed to be popular. I had to hang around the cool people, I think now back on this how I was their puppet and slave to the canteen.
Whilst they had all the boys swooning over them I was dealing with having crushes on people. My best friends sometimes I wouldn't miss a day of school because I didn't want to miss seeing them.
If I only knew what the hell I was back then would I have acted differently?
Every day of high school was a nightmare a new day meant more name calling, more taunts all I could think of was how my sister was like my friends loved by the boys.
Funny thing is she lost her virginity to a skipping rope handle, because she didn't want to be a bragging tool for boys at school.
Here I was some ugly duckling, a lesbian hanging around people who really didn't be it.
I didn't feel a connection to my parents I felt, different like I angered them, I was friends with people who believe they are above me these days. Yet we shared the same shit.
I decided at 24 I would foster teenagers, not young kids everyone seems to think young kids will be easier, but the satisfaction I got from teenagers was much better you could talk to them, not always answer their questions but I knew this was probably the only conversation these kids would have with an adult.
It was during my training I finally understood what we lacked in our childhood it was these simple three words "I love you". We didn't have hugs or emotional conversations they were not apart of who we were allowed to be.
As I felt so alone and separate from everything in life, I found love my first lesbian love which was hidden as the town was small, she ran a small business. It was deep, we were great friends and lovers. She had children who had a chance to explore as I did in the same mountains. When that ended the way it did I lost a lot my heart. I couldn't comprehend how someone her age could be so indecisive, especially since I have been that age myself. And know exactly what I am. We had a house we repaired from being a shell to our home, blood sweat and tears and our love put that place back together.
The way it ended her father died and she wasn't gay anymore, he could see us from heaven and she jumped into the arms of a man who she married quickly. I guess it was a way of making people question what our relationship was?
Once again I felt alone, work was hard as my boss had found out second hand that I was gay. And would make comments, it was hard enough fighting my own feelings and thoughts, having to deal with negative comments about gays and lesbians everywhere on the news in the local pub.
This world wasn't for me where did I fit, no one knew this pain my diaries are full of notes and words I wanted read at my funeral. I would cry myself to sleep and numb the pain of loneliness through a bottle of Jim beam and pain killers.
One evening the day before the GST was introduced I had enough it was a Friday night, I had struggled with a Friend with benefit doing my head in, I had work calling me a pedophile because that's what us gay people do is pray on kids, my boss had seen the Mardi Gras us gays are perverted. Aids spreaders.
I had come out to my mum, her first words were " don't tell your father". There were no gay people where I lived.
I wasn't every lesbians cup of tea they seemed to date people who didn't look like me.
What was wrong with me? My head was spinning every thought was just getting out of this life just going away. That evening at 10-45pm after tears I become numb, a feeling where I just was thinking of me not anyone else, not who I would leave behind or how they would feel, it was just me.
I looked at myself in the mirror and with the emptiness inside of me I reached for a bottle of sheaf stout and muscle relaxants. I would pour hand fully of pils into my palm and just swallow.
After about 65 tablets I remember dozing it was cold and I was meant to play hockey at 1pm the next day.
I woke up in a daze and vomited on my sheets, all I wanted to do was go to the toilet but I had no comprehension of time, I was calling out to my mother, yet I hadn't lived at home for over 7 years. I can't go to school. I would come in and out of it. I tried to walk to the toilet but my legs had no control. For 2 hours this went on until Smity came home he opened the door I fell into the lounge and broke the door. He kept screaming wha did I take what did I take.
He told me he had called an ambulance and in my head I'm saying no I don't have cover yet so confused I was in and out of losing site of life. All I wanted to do was wee. The ambulance came as did my friend from hockey. This was not like me I would do anything for the team, and what was going on with me couldn't be seen.
I didn't say I'm depressed or I wanted to kill myself to anyone outbloud, and the times I did it wasn't for attention it was because I knew my mind and its capabilities.
Not one person knew I had this illness, not like today when it's an over used words when people are often just sad.
People often judge me and think I am ignorant to depression, this is not the case at all, I know real depression isn't something one talks about, you won't even open yourself up to professional help. You believe you are destined to die and it will be at your own hands.
Depression today is and for those who really have this illness still suffer in silence, when one takes their life at their own hands who knows about this? No one could stop this because nobody knew!
Until you have suffered this depression where it's a focus on yourself and ending it all for yourself, where no one else counts but you. Don't use the word Im depressed.
Sadness is something we all suffer and it's what you do with the sadness you feel that will he,p you grow, we all come into this world alone, our thoughts vary from person to person our opinions and emotions are real. Our feelings are what allows us to be compassionate and to love others.
Do I want to kill myself today? No even though today my life is filled with chronic pain, constant exhaustion, I see every day is a new day. Where I may meet new friends and learn a new start from someone else. Do I get depressed? No
Do I get sad? Yes I'm human and I have learnt that much of the pain we feel hurts like it should, heart becomes one if you feel the pain, nothing is easy, life and death being almost as quick as the other. I believe we are all here to make a mark on the world.
I may not achieve everything that I may want to in this life but I won't allow negatives t hold me back.
I shall make my angels proud, I shall love myself and my partner as we both deserve. I shall love the pets whom have taught me unconditional love. I shall meet people who will come and go, as I may heal, I may never get the thank you I may wish for, respect and love we all deserve.
I will learn from my lessons and allow myself to be angry when people do the wrong thing.for I will do only to others as they do to me, as in life and in death I shall be free..
So if your depressed you know what I mean for those of you whom write it all the time. You are making those whom have a serious illness look like fools to doctors and drugs get prescribed that often hinder do not help. So next time you go to write your depressed, thin of those out there whom really are a mess...
G.L.N
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