Mixed

As I look at myself and wonder why I am such a fuck up, why I don't fit. Everyone I know has some kind of connection to someone, my connection is to Louey. I thought my life was going to be this wonderful thing, just coming out gave me some kind of ultimate freedom, I'm still lost. My soul seeks all that others do and this is love, I wish I could love myself. I know I allow things to roll off my back, like water that rolls or beads on a freshly polished car. I look in the mirror and I see failure, frustration, as my friends seem to be so happy in love whist I strive for this. Where are you? I have looked on buses, in shopping isles?

I gave up last week because I figure I have to live this world and not dream of you, give you a name when your nothing but a figure of my imagination. 

I now hug my pillow, it's been 2 years now and being alone has been trying days seem to roll into the next. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. And I just wish my heart would stop. And someone else could use it, someone whom really wants to live. I'm 25 should I dislike myself this much? 

I don't see myself as a person I feel like I'm stuck in this shit town with disgusting accusations being thrown at me by what could be a dirty man hiding behind his accusations. Surely 10 years of service is enough for people to see this is a sick insinuation, why does it feel like everyone wants to get rid of me? 

I should go sleep in a cave and runaway from the world, I don't know this place. 

No one seems to be one bit interested in me as a person, no one seems attracted to my look. They all want something, that I am definitely not. 

I feel as though my family don't want me around, that all this bullshit that's been said has made them think of me differently, think of what I could be doing in my bedroom. 

I am drinking every night I don't want to wake why can't I just spew and choke on it? 

I feel like the only place I belong is in my hockey team, but then there she is the ex. My first lover fuck what a nightmare. She turned up with a man she had met on a Internet site. They are engaged talk about kick in the guts. 

I feel like I'm using my own messed up shit to manipulate every situation around me, do I want blood on people's hands? What am I getting from life? In general I see it as nothing but restless fear inside a body that can't show feelings. I haven't had a hug from a human for sometime now, I'm feeling numb to connection. 

I look at kids with cancer they can have every healthy bit of me and let them grow, why let someone suffer mentally I'm so confused, I just want to die. I can't feel anymore anyway. The years are dry...

I can't see anyone struggling even people with lost limbs seem more together than I am, I'm a mess every period is like I'm dropping a bucket of blood and my body is drained. I can't think with anything but my heart, because my head has absolutely no idea what is going on at all. 

I don't want to look at this person anymore that looks back at me, why should I like me when others don't see worth in me, if no one but a pet wants to love me without condition. 

I swear there must be a sunshine after a light, that a cloud is a tear that I need to cry.. 

Ill kill yell before I continue this asking of why...

Living with pain

Thinking back to the days when I suffered just lactose acid build up in the muscles, the joys of the 2nd and 3rd day as you would rub the stiffness and sadistically enjoy it.

I use to get my period, they say we lose 3 tablespoons of blood, more like 12 cups I found I had endometriosis. I found myself an awesome gynaecologist Rosamary Lovell. My treatments were firstly to put me through early menopause, anyone out there with "hot flushes, cold flushed and mood swings" I'm getting you. 

Trying to brave this I would allow myself to go through so much pain that I would pass out.

The day I fainted was a shocker. I never forget my partners father had died and she had broken up with me stating in a letter that " he could see her from heaven". Nothing worse than being broken up with by a letter, text or email. Technology is cruel as are pens.

Anyway my partners daughter had asked me to cook them breakfast, I kept saying " I would later" .. I sat on the toilet and felt sick my head was light, I got up and the next thing I came to on the floor with a busting pain in my back. I walked pasted my partners room and I remember her screaming at me "you should have gotten pain killers"!!!!

The rest of the day I lay in agony, I went to work in pain and made an appointment to see this stumpy fingered doctor .. Better know to the town as the 'sex doctor' don't know why he didn't have no vagina pictures on his wall, or anything displaying concerns for sexually transmitted diseases. 

After a few X-rays and nothing showing up he said "you don't handle pain well do you"... 

He ended up sending me for a hotspot X-ray and this showed up a compression fracture of t3-t4-t5 and t6. Nothing was given to me some codeine and I was sent on my way.

I continued my love of hockey and my job. 

Almost made 10 years and I was pushed out the door accusations were made about my sexuality and the behaviours of "us gays". A man accusing me of having sex with my ex partners children. Sick prick, still I wonder what thoughts were running through his head at this time? Was it his own fascination with 14 years olds?

These kids I wanted to protect with my life, scared that at times their mother whom was irrational at times was screaming at them and then running of and leaving them would leave this kids scared. Worried that's these young girls having unprotected sex they may fall pregnant, here I was a young lesbian with pockets full of condoms and wet stuff, because I knew the consequences that lay ahead if one of them were to fall pregnant in that little town.

I started getting head a aches I had lost my job, I had to move, my relationship was destroyed and a home I put blood sweat and tears in was no longer ours. It was hers because I was made to feel guilty. But what human being would allow young teenagers to be on the streets? Not me.

My pain was the one thing I tried to manage by playing sport, hanging with close friends. I loved to dance and sometimes after a big night out I would feel lose and free, but the next time I did it was the ultimate caning of me.

I went to a place called the Hawkesbury in NSW, lived not so far from the river, I was offered an apprenticeship as an adult doing book binding, looking back on it, even though I loved it and gave it 120% I was never offered the same opportunities as my male colleagues and there laziness seen me pulling 2 ton pallets around a factory floor.

First day after a year off I decided to ring centre link and ask of I could attempt to go back to work, they said sure go for it. So I scored a job. Where they expected you to run around like a chook with your head cut off, minus the blood of course. Rush, rush rush, I never forget going home and saying how I liked it but it hurt my body, I just didn't realise how weak I had become.

The next day my house mate rolled me out of bed and I approached the stupid visor and said I needed to work less, so he gave me a 3 day week. 

Going to their competition was the end all and be all of my life as a print finisher for the printers. This was where I was paid $6-8 less than the men, whilst I would put my hand up for all the over time, see the guys couldn't do over time as they all relied on public transport. 

Despite this I wasn't recognised by this boss either. The business went to shit in the end and everyone lost there jobs. But I still feel today I was under paid and worked hard, my boss would get me to work with him, there is a sign of trust in itself. He was so focused on money and his men he forgot about the 2 woman whom did the hard yards there, and both of us suffered pain daily.

Today 5 years later my bones all feel like they sit on top of each other and with every movement is a grind of some sort, that causes some shooting fucked up pain, the head aches and the shakes. Not being able to walk, seeing it in your mind but not able to physically do it as others strut their stuff. I once had a strut too..

To lay in positions to make yourself have some kind of comfort whilst popping all the medications in the world to help mask what can never be cured.

Being sent to specialists for them to say its all i your head, put your hand in the door ill slam it, you tell me where your pain is? In your head or hand... 

Being old to walk four steps. And them saying you need to swim exercise and play sports again.

God complex surrounds many of these book feasting medical professionals and this is what makes the person with an illness feel so alone.

 I may look normal but when you see me walk you won't think this.

Pain isn't something that makes you depressed its something that can frustrate you as others take for granted what you do not have.. The ability to walk a mountain or work to make wealth. 

Is this the body of a 1973 vintage ... 

I ask people to google various things myosotis, shuermanns disease, chiari malformation, Parkinson's disease, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and imagine having all these diagnoses thrown at you, but no medical professional can help you.

  Do your own research

Even when you have a blood test ask the doctor for your results keep your own records, always ask for copies of specialists letters for your own file, also write down side effects of all medications prescribed to you, always ask your chemist for a print out medication sheet.

Therapies 

People will give you all kinds of advice on natural therapies, just swim it cured my Aunty. Just remember every person responds to treatments and medications differently. Knowing your limits is important. Pushing yourself when you have pain or injury can often worsen the problem, take your time and only do what works, do not push yourself or allow others to tell you to go harder, if something feels like its about to snap it probably is.

Make people aware of your illness. Post it everywhere until someone actually googles its.

Your not alone.

Many people whom suffer from chronic pain feel like they are alone, we don't have support groups out there where we can meet and greet. 

You can make connections with others. Be sure to know your illness research it and also get to know what doctors help and hinder, this advice can help a person just like you.

If you feel like your doctor isn't caring for you in a professional manner.

Sack him, never allow a doctor to tell you how you feel, only you know your body. Keep a pain diary and this shows you to are trying to manage your pain. It is a doctors duty of care to give you the best treatment and advice available.

I alway find that if a doctor fobs you off start demanding blood tests and cognitive behaviour therapy and pain management. 

When you know what is available they will start looking for you.

When your chronically in pain 

You can be opinionated, imagine your life being a frustrating and people around you complaining about needing to mow their lawn or take some rubbish to the tip. 

You can stare into space and often be called ignorant or a snob.

You spend 80 percent of your time trying to find things that will take your mind off pain.

You will offend people as your perspective and views on certain things will differ.

You will see things through different eyes and people will be sure to tell you to get an education or they will often feel a need to try and mentally fuck you over just remember your body is tucked never let anyone touch your mind.

Laugh at the world

Only you will laugh at things that others may seem disgusting or out of the ordinary, only you will see the funny side of things.

Don't give too much of yourself 

It's always when you suffer yourself that you tend to lend a hand to others, people will know your on a pension and think you have money so they will often pull heart strings. Think of yourself forget people like this, often these people are capable of making their own money, seeing you as a vulnerable target is often the case. 

It's because we hope others will help is in our times of need, sadly these people aren't the ones whom help you, they are the ones making excuses not to help you.

Remember this. Only people with the strength can handle pain on a daily basis if god exists he gave this to me because he knows I will make the best of every opportunity I am given. Whilst others will pity their lives I will still look for that day where I can run again... 

Even if I shall never run, the dreams and the visions shall always remain...

GLN

You are that....

You are that? That's what you ate? Are you?

People sit there and try and understand who they are why they are the way they are, why bother? 

When many sit there and will constantly complain about who they are.

The only person who can change your life is you...

I have worked with people whom have anxiety and from time to time breathing techniques will get you through, I always say confront your fear with the person you look up to. Your role model some person in your life with strength, whom you desire to be. The biggest problem is making this person face their fears. They are exactly that just fears, like the fear of spiders, how quickly can a shoe squash this fear.

Use your mind to crush your fears.

People whom have depression need to do one thing..

Make sure you are depressed and not sad. These days when you are seen to cry in the eyes of society you are labelled depressed, many whom suffer from chronic pain are labelled depressed. 

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, often this isn't caused by the death of a relationship or you losing your job. 

Depression is an illness many are born with, many get sadness and depression confused. 

Depression lasts everyday where you don't want to be apart of the world, you don't want to make new friends, it doesn't come and go its something that is consistent in ones life.

 PTSD are caused by a circumstance in your life that one should never have seen, many of these people find any situation hard, to sleep, eat and be a part o society as a whole person they fear many things, but always try and put a smile on their faces as they hide this from others, today the treatment of PTSD with dogs is becoming a massive help for these people.

Social phobia people whom do not like associating with people in a small group or crowd, why is this caused? Something has often happened to make this person socially scared. I suggest steps to get out and meet new people joining a support group with people exactly like you.

Many of these people have been told to shut up too many times that they believe they do not belong in a social environment. 

Post natal depression many woman suffer this after the birth or even during the younger years of their child's life, whilst there are many books out there for every new parent to read no birth is ever the same. Not feeling a bond or connection to a child can be disruptive to a female as they are nurturing and emotional in there thoughts and feelings.

How can you help? Watch for the signs.

And if your feeling alone at this time ask for help.

To many people these days try to portray perfection, nothing is perfect. 

Whilst people strive for perfection they waste time getting to know there flaws and imperfections. 

I want to be perfect, I want to keep up with the Jones.

Be a unique version of yourself stuff keeping up with anyone just be yourself.

What's in an opinion....

Have you ever been one of them people who say, what others think. You have a virus where your mouth doesn't filter anything that your mind thinks. You wonder where that metal strainer is that would stop you from saying what could offend others into oblivion.

We are all born with a mind a voice where, we are often asked to communicate. 

Ever heard this "why don't you say what you feel, or what your thinking?" 

What's the point when you open yourself up to having your head ripped off, or opening yourself up to others opinions. Whilst people don't agree with you, they can find any avenue to attack you.

You may not think like they do, you may not look at life as others do.

Others are much older has visions of the world only I could dream of yet there ignorance is like an alien growing on your arse-hole. 

In the middle of my own time line, and I wonder how other have been brought to believe and think as they do, when in today's society we have so much choice and freedom to grow. 

I often wonder if my growth was stunted by my parents chain smoking in the car with the windows up?

Life isn't about much money your earn, what kind of car you drive or what kind of house your living in,it's about the dog you own? What breed of dog do you own?..

Lite isn't about the confusion your siblings lead to believe like the reasons we have donkeys is because a cow and a horse breed.

Or being told white dog shit is Minties, the powder taste like eating an aspirin and having the flakes crust your teeth. You can wash it out and all it will do is create this assign ball of white shit spit in your mouth..

I have suffered, depression and personality disorders and I have kicked myself through it like a ball being kicked into a goal, hitting the back of the net. Imagining that it was my enemies face in there smiling. What's it like having no teeth? Eh eh ...

What was this caused by? I didn't feel love, I didn't love myself. I lived in the past and would say my parents never hugged me or expressed there love for me. 

Communication at home was a minimal thing, where if you talks your father may miss the news. 

I was teased at school, I didn't excel, I didn't have the brain to, I just wanted to play sport.

I was good at everything, but I was immature and I guess they didn't like my opening mouth thing.

But now I know the difference between depression and sadness, I wished I hadn't carried on played the victim, I get more attention being positive then negative. And my soul learnt to forgive, so now I have the ability to live.

Whilst this always gets under the skin of those whom are chronically depressed. Why are you depressed? Do you have a job? Can you walk? Do you have a family who loves you? So you love yourself? With so much mental health services out there, it only takes you to ask for help. You would be surprised how much exercise and a good diet helps with your well being.. 

I had a hysterectomy at 28, no children for me, yet my other friends had one for me anyway as well as the spare one for the county. Instead I brought dogs. And I get this " they are just dogs". This would be why so many animals are up for adoption.

When you look at a puppy how dam cute are they?.. Nothing in the back of your mind says. It's going to eat my new shoes or the computer cord. Or it may like swinging on the washing line. I better get a mop and bucket cause this thing will shit everywhere. I will come home from work and he will be swinging from the blinds. Who knows what could happen to the carpet. 

No this doesn't happen. I love when my puppy is a dog. And I love when they are old and they can't see and stare into space, waiting for something to appear.

Nothing fucks me off more than people whom get a dog and then get rid of it. People shouldn't buy the pet in the first place. 

I thought by starting a blog I would be able to discuss things people think but are too scared to say out loud. And I will offend but don't look at my writings from your own mind, look at it from a misunderstood mind 

I'm not perfect I have learnt from experience and life. I don't read books because I have the attention span of a chook.