One by one

Once we lived where the biggest worry many of us had was what we would be doing on the weekend. Now we are all filled with fear fears of religion, fears of the human race. We should be scared of people's mental health not the religion they follow.

In Australia we are called bleeding hearts if we don't want people in refugee camps, those whom should be processed should be processed not left to rot on a detention centre, isn't the life they had to lead before the date today, taken in to account?

If they aren't going to be accepted as refugees send them home, and let them be killed and try and sleep at night, that's the real problem our government can sleep and nit think about them. 

When did people forget that what makes this country great is we are built on a mixture of humans from all over the world, sometimes people need to ask themselves where did you come from, and how did you get here? Instead of being ignorant and joining the patriotic ban wagon beating your chest, saying your Australian. It's about opening your arms up to others, that mateship spirit only shows in disaster or tragedy. Sad but true, we don't see our mates life goes on. And on.

I don't blame the Europeans who look at us and look at us as a slack country, we let our families fall apart. And that's not right the slack country because we don't keep things together, we have a problem in this country with domestic violence and people are more worried about boats coming to the shores of the country,use these refugees as productive members of society.

The country seems to have it's thinking all twisted we are happy to allow an Indian coal mining company to make millions out of our minerals but we don't want boat people? Watch what you wish for because they will import their workers to take your jobs. But it's okay for the people from other country to make money from us, just not live here with us? Kind of strange isn't it.. 

I will never understand why people will continue to hate others when they don't even know them, how someone can judge another without even learning about it, to be judgemental when we all have our own faults, sure I have an opinion and that's what having one is about provoking the thoughts in others, things that are hidden tend to be what turns the pages in our history books, I wonder if those spoke about what war does as this generation is will change the way in which we approach wars in the future, or will war just continue? I hope and I look at the universe and I beg for it to forgive us for destroying the beauty in which we just rape and forget to flourish it with love, we don't give enough back to the earth from which we take, we destroy it. 

We can't even love or care for what allows us to keep our feet flat. People say god will return some day? I don't believe anything will return, what people need to watch is the sun and the way it is burning the earth and even your own skin, the earth is mad at us for pumping gases and pollutants into the atmosphere. If we are reincarnated we have destroyed the earth that will feed us. I wonder if you will jump uo and down about water before coal then? I am far from a greenie but I know something's would work much better we have it all here but we take the easy way out. We dig our minerals when  the soil and the earth don't have these things all mixed together the earth fails. So the more we dig and destroy the further we ruin the lively hoods for our children and their own children, we don't seem to care, some do others are too busy making wealth and making themselves look fancy with a flash car or home. As long as a home is warm and strong that's all that matters. 

We take too much for granted like the human within. We as parents teach our children the difference between rights and wrongs, we fill them with knowledge and manners. But something is going wrong when the younger generation has list respect for those who are older than them, once we learnt from those older than us now the younger generation seem to know better. Better because they haven't been taught that those who have walked before them are wiser in life and will guide you right. That doesn't matter because it's about being better than another or being on a higher status, we all die. So we are all fucked because that's all there is after life, death. Your going to die. 

The day you die people will cry for a few weeks it will be raw but as time hoes by people forget you, they don't care to remember you or live by their promises to you. That's all there is death, so why do we live in away where we need to hurt each other? 

When I die I hope to meet those who gave a shit about me at some stage. Not those who tried to ruin me in life but those whom tried to push and boost me toward my dreams and goals. My animals I hope to see again if it is just to smell their breathes is all I get I'll be great full, for that. But we can't guarantee that our loved ones will meet us, some tikes why should they? When we haven't been loyal to those who they loved. Without some in our lives we struggle some of us never heal, some of us never feel like we fit in the puzzle anymore. The puzzle is broken and it can't be fixed because one or two major pieces are missing. 

Can we live as one, I don't think so, sadly we all strive to be happy that's all in life we just want peace happiness and love, now when we look at life as a whole we can't really say we have it or many of us just want it. Accept me love me. Hold me and accept me, acceptance starts within and when you find that and when no one else seems to be able to accept you that's not your problem that is theirs, when your at a point in your own life where you have pushed it away or let it go, you don't need that glimpse to turn things around again. It won't make you happy you need to remember how things end. 

I embrace what I have although it's not much a smile and kiss, my own family means so much so I really don't understand what can make another family fall apart. I can't be the glue I'm not that special. I have a bigger job and that's to teach my child to love even when others say love is wrong. To fight for what's right with passion and courage. To be a something when I was nothing, this gift I give to you a chance to try what you like in finding what your dreams and passions that will drive you to who you want to be, I'll try my best not to inflict you with my thoughts and opinions and listen to yours. 

But I won't carry hate in my heart because I want to break a chain, the link that continues won't solve the problems it's when we all take the chain cutters and break the padlock this is when we make changes.

I'll be the parent who visits and calls my children and show interest in their life no matter how old they are. I'll be a support system when you need me and a bystander when you don't, I'll teach you the differnece between wrong and right. I may not be perfect and I want you to make mistakes too. All I wish is people could think for themselves instead of flocking like sheep. Smile at another for they have a story as well, it's probably no different to your own you haven't opened and asked yet so why? Haven't you? Is it a threat? Don't be scared of what you don't not know about learn to feel the fear and meet them, open your eyes to something new every day, ask questions and things will help us all to learn as one. We will never always agree but we could walk this world hand in hand as one. 

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if living is hell and when you die is when you actually have freedom and not a worry in the world. Who knows what happens when we pass, we could all be just work food. Some of us probably better tasting then the rest.

We all try and find something in life to connect us to something it maybe our partner our families or even our job, we all have dreams and desires but sometimes we get so stuck with what's going on we forget to look and see the future. We all have one think about it, this moment we live now will become a memory a lesson you will learn something from. It may make you distant it may do nothing, but it won't continue, 

I believe everyone in a time of their life they have felt alone, isolated and sad, some more than others. In society it's a struggle to find you place to be accepted for what ever you become, you come into a world and people love you unconditionally, they have these dreams for you, they try and instil their thoughts and opinions in you , and then you grow up and form your own, and it may differ from theirs but it's doesn't mean it's wrong. There are many differneces between being wrong and right. It's how you perceive things. Some can see things with open eyes and an open mind others just use one or the other and don't change their ignorance. 

Not everyone is right even if you say something, it may not be what another thinks but at the end of the day where was it we learn things? Our parents in the old days teachers didn't have the responsibly to teach your children how to read, remember when parents read a book before bed? I don't really remember it but I like to pretend I did receive this in my life, but considering my reading level is so poor I doubt it, it may just be that dream I have or that thing I wished for, sometimes we can convince ourselves we had something that we didn't, 

Our childhood and forever in your life your family are this part of it, whilst they will bicker and turn against you they will expect you to pull a seat up at the Christmas table and chew the food with a smile. If a friend treated people the way some families treat them you wouldn't go back for more. When you are pushed out your out. You know your young too have to fight in the end. Regardless I am still my fathers daughter and it was he he worked hard to provide for us. We always owned a home, we always had food. We just didn't have that thing that every kid wants time with their parents, learning things, the only real communication I remember is being told I was stupid. Or it could have been a good day and how that girl on the hockey field was a hog and I should have played a game or whatever, 

Maybe I expect to much. But a family is this model of people who allow a person to grow and thrive into adults productive adults, the more you seperate yourself from them the more you have a risk that, your child will miss out. But it is them who miss out when they don't visit. 

I wonder now when I will see happiness and this will go away? But questioning my grief is like questioning why the trees grow the way they do. Grief is something I have felt since the day my father died and all connection was lost. I don't know who is lying anymore or telling the truth, I can only make decisions on what's happening and what I see and this, what I see is a disgusting display of how to love a child forever. Does a parent hit an age and stop caring or did they not care all along? 

Every single mountain has a place that's hard to climb it's like life every situation has emotion attached to it, you can come out scar free or you can come out damaged as well, we get both. We can't have one without the othwr, forgive and forget? You can't you have feelings this is when you know you have a heart and you care when it hurts and you can see that you have been set up like a stupid puppet. 

Maybe this is just a practice run for the next life, where I will pick better family not just go yup that will do, is it so I can come back count my losses and not need to wait for others to cross my way? Who knows I guess I'll let you know the day I die....

I'd rather have pets than family

A mothers love should be unconditional not based on manipulation and games, if you are reading this you probably googled something and this blog come up.

This story is one of a fucked family who can not accept a child, a child whom made there house full of laughter once, but that child is gay oh fuck me how terrible for them to have such shame, connected to them in this way. 

Whilst I can see my mother is onset of dementia especially when she sends a daughter who she doesn't talk to a birthday card and ignores another, you could have a sibling who is using their own powers to egg what they want, the inheritance. This will be going toward her care, you failed caring for her when you failed to notice the signs. 

A young baby born bearing the surname foreign to others but familar to us, we have taken our heritage seriously and want to connect to it because the way families in this country connect is "sz lack" or on their own terms. Twisting and telling stories whilst I have written evidence so when you lie once my evidence makes you whole story fall down. But not wanting to know this baby is your loss, it's not uo to me a ill person to travel to visit you, it goes two ways, 

I didn't call on your birthday well I did Infact and I asked what it was like to be 70 , it was you who rejected our gift of a small family trip. You would rather a weather meter one that measures the rain, so the only ones that do that mount to the roof, that golden son whom is neglecting to look after you is too lazy to get on the roof, so get a basic one that doesn't measure the rain and then I'm the useless daughter all over again. That's unfair to be this way and the problem is your continuing this bitter turning of people against each other chain, in vein what ever it be your doing the wrong things and you need to stop, I can't tell you what would I know? I mean I have an illness my work is palmistry and tarot readings. I'm not a shitty cleaner, does it make you wonder if you caused your own work demise when you made me, convinced me guilt tripped me into messaging a work colleague about your neice. 

You wiped your hands of this but feed the bullet until it shot, maybe they thought you were aggressive when I was seven, you were pathetic when I look back on it, that and cruel you think because you walked your kids like dogs you were a good father?  Considering they call you by your first name instead if dad should tell you how bad you were as a parent, a child should always respect that of their parent. But when you allow disrespect you can not expect them to thrive and be good role models towards their own children.

My sister the drunk doesn't even understand why I am being called dad and believes I'll confuse our child, don't send her to school she said, and I won't socialise her either. What's a father these days? It's not the person that comes in your vagina to make your child it's the person who protects the family, changes the tyres on their kids cars. The first person they go to with a problem, because ia don't have a dick doesn't mean I can't be dad, there are plenty of dick bearing fathers out there not doing there job, the name should be associated with good memories not judgement, she will always know she is a donor child, just because her donors sperm was used to make her does not make him a father, a father is in a child's life. Maybe people need to stop giving men credit for their dicks and maybe look at how they treat their products. 

It's kind of all twisted when you refer to this concept, Jesus is the son of god, so who is god? An identity. So that makes them what male/ female or are we all just seriously believing in twisted truth? I don't follow the teachings of the bible, I can't read twists and tongue or something that judges another before taking ownership of their own problems. Fuck I'm far from perfect and I have never ever said I was. I'm opinionated because when I was a young child my parents wanted me to be a leader , now they want me to be silent a follower. That's not who I am and they should look at me as their product. They made this, maybe they need to go back through their lives as parents and remind themselves that they neglected their children of three important words "I love you". 

There is no person in this world who can deem themselves higher than another we are not that powerful as humans we like to believe we all have this power but we don't we are all the same at the end of the day, we crave the same thing love. Being pulled and torn, pushed between things because they can't do it and then throwing their hands up in the air and blaming that I smoke pot. Like fucken seriously , I hope you never have a muscle disease and need to smoke it yourself it's a very narrow minded view when that's how you see things, OxyContin is better than pot? Maybe you need to take 20 years of the shit yourself before you come to this conclusion,I don't understand how they keep their eyes shit and keep on being nasty. You don't want me , do not talk about me. Don't even say I exist if I provoke you that much change your surname. Or learn more about your heritage and let your fucken hair down. 

My mother wouldn't know how to love something without getting something in return, her negatives and enabling of stupidity is a terrible trait one at which frustrates the shit out of me. My mother may work at a charity organisation, but charity starts at home, you shouldn't be giving advice or helping miserable people when in your real life your nasty. In real life you neglected your own children, in real life your a cunt. Just because you work at a charity and converted to being a catholic doesn't mean it wipes out all the bad shit you have done in life. If still all counts. Is this another reason you hate me is because I am able to be happy and have what I want in my life when you couldn't? Because you had missed out on things you said so should we, most parents want better for their kids, it makes me wonder why did you even bother breeding? Society was it? 

Your older children are all insecure they can't be alone , if a relationship fails they need something to replace it, I believe if my brothers ex wife said come back to me, he would go. No doubt why would you be with a person for ten years and not live with them but use all their utilities? That's using a person when you should be at home caring for our mother, remember my birthday when you tied to hit on that other woman, and people think you wouldn't have it in you, who knows what you have in you, your as miserable as her and you both fester in that house. With your negative gossip and putying down of others, hello siblings were meant to stick by each other, when did they become all high and mighty? Many have secrets I don't in transparent you can see it all, if I do something wrong I'll explain it all I don't care I'll take my own fall. I'll take skin off break the bones and all. 

One day ill work out why we need family because I see it as totally over rated especially if they are using bullshit to manipulate it. Fucken cut me from it. But know this when she goes I'll get my fair share or nothing at all but I won't use tactics to make sure others miss put or take a fall, I bet he gets her to sign it all over to him, she wouldn't remember. Her memory has been thin for sometime it's as though she has forgotten who she was and tries to be this other person, I haven't forgotten when you have the scars you don't. 

O

They aren't who they once were

Many could empathise with this, who is the person you once knew?

When your told a story sometimes if the person isn't dead if they are still living and they don't match that story and the person says to you "how am I meant to love a person, I don't even know or like anymore". Yet at the same time blaming themselves for the reason they are like this in the first place.

See many years ago, to many people's disbelief her brain was zapped to stop her from wanting to kill herself, relying in her eldest daughter for support during this time, she could see that her mother would commit the ultimate sin she would kill herself and leave a legacy. For her family, rather than seeing her mother do this she supported her having the depression gland in her brain to be terminated. Would you do the same? Knowing you had younger siblings knowing that if you didn't listen to doctors advice, psychologists advice that today we would be visiting a grave. 

She is a shell, she doesn't like me even though I am the one thing that holds her child up after and during these times of guilt. She has no filter and whilst she doesn't like my opinions, I use my mind, maybe this is what she fears most. 

My opinions stem from her own misuse of her children, no being able to connect on an emotional level or add the support they need, ignoring and enabling things and showing not by words but by actions there is a favourite in the mist.

I have kept quiet for sometime and I can't watch this destroy my partner because do the hurt, and the isolation to which she feels. What may seem a game to them a visious circle of denial we are the ones who suffer the most. You can't say a thing outloud because she will repeat it, why because she is fucked. And my opinion is if your going to hurt your own child and I'm the lover of that child you can't do it without having some kind of confrontation or conversation with someone who can see from the outside what's going on.

It's a shame people don't look at things from their own outside they would observe how stupid they look at times, I do it all the time. But even when I see what I have seen of myself it isn't that bad. I have morals and I'm loyal. I can not speak the same for others.

Family betrayal is the worst as it leaves damage in the wind, an empty feeling that a parent can leave a child is the worst feeling of all. Not feeling like you actually belong to them, if as a parent your going to pick a favourite don't say it outloud and do not allow your actions to portray your feelings.

When it comes to things I feel used and used badly. Being the first who will lend money or being the first to lend the ute. Yet having no one to help me when I need to collect wood to keep a baby warm. There seems to be no understanding and lots of ignorance happening that we do not understand. We can't make others think in a sensible way we have strong opinions, how dare we and no way. 

I am watching this destroy my partners feelings being here and maybe it's time to break with chains and move, find a place where home is home and no one else needs to be apart of our family. We intend on breaking the chains that have left us feeling alone and isolated as children. And they might not like this decision, but it needs to be made for us and our future as a family. My partner can't blame herself for not liking a person she is meant to. It's not her fault she can't see her own faults and won't change.

You can't be made to feel like shit and then be okay at the next family event, one of which we aren't invited to thanks to tax payer funded lap band surgery. Don't worry the weeding is soon. So after that she will be fat again by Christmas. Her failure is she still eats shit just smaller amounts of shit. She says we shouldn't feel special she treats everyone this way, now if this was your child who had children wouldn't you pull her aside and say something? Or would you just blame the educated child? 

You created this monster yet you enable it to get worse to use their children as weapons, even you are scared to say no, when she needs her free day care. Buying gifts doesn't make a grandma .. Ma it just proves that's all you can do. It scares me it should scare you, but you can not see this can you? You fail to see your own faults. 

You disrespected me when you talked behind my back, you disrespected the one person who has loved your child unconditionally. You ignore the fact I contribute. You ignore everything because all you see is what you want to see. Doesn't matter about me it matters about your child and if you can't see what your doing to her your more fucked than I thought. You best avoid me because all that happens when things come up, is another layer grows inside of me one that makes me want to confront and tell you how fucked you are and you don't like my opinions or what I say because what? They are true? Don't like your delusion being mixed up its best to continue to live the lie in your head as of it doesn't exist. But guess what it does, I might not be a bully enough for your daughter, maybe I'm not mental enough. Maybe I should be hitting her or controlling her or maybe I should just sign a prenup. Maybe you need to look at yourself and stop trying to analyse me because you know what you are way off track with me, you have no idea and you don't want to see it anyway, it would mess your delusion up. You need zapping again. One that zaps you back into reality because this fantasy you live right now is destroying your child emotionally. Who holds her when she is hurt? Me not you. 

You call me mental yet your on all the medication for mental stability. I have my mental state under control when one points fingers the way you have, I'm more concerned about you not me, but I'm more concerned about what you are doing to your daughter you know the one you pushed to get 100% in tests and when she got 99% you asked her where the other one percent was. You pushed one child not the others and look at them they have no qualifications, they have homes falling down. They don't even know the basics of how to do house keeping,  You can't even show your pride. 

Trust me on this one and I mean this loud and clear the chain stops and it breaks right here, you can't play games with my child's mother and think that your not playing games with my child as well. The time has come and I can't shut my mouth anymore the onion skin layers are peeled back now and the eye sting is coming. Never make a person feel low, especially your own beautiful intelligent child, treat the all equally and allow them all the tools to achieve, don't just throw expectations on one and not others. Be equal if you can't don't continue your garbage when you are 50 it's time, your half way, you could break these chains but your scared, your scared of the wrong person, I'm the one who will say something the other will use her children as a weapon, but your forgetting your the free baby sitter and you buy them shit. So you have done this yourself .. 

I doubt you will change but I wish I could have meet the person before not this one today. I don't like her much either, but I have to. I can't imagine that person being my mother.. 

Always

Always speak your mind, no matter how hurtful,or unkind.

Mistakes are made so we can learn.

Hurtful mistakes can make you crash and burn.

And when your the victim, you wonder when it's someone else's turn.

With sayings like "what comes around goes around".

Screwing with your head. 

It doesn't help when your the one lonely in your own head. 

Pain drives into ones heart, can make you crumble apart.

Wanting to die to be apart if something big like the sky.

Unwanted not needed and they will wonder why...

No hello, no call, nothing to say nothing. 

And when your left here your the one wondering why?

YESTERDAY I THOUGHG GODAY WOULD NEVER COME, BUT NOW ITS HERE, I WISH I HADNT WISHED IT AT ALL BECAUSE IT WENT AS FAST AS YESTERDAY AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED AT ALL.

Humble pie, lovers lie.

Humble pie, lovers lie,

Have you made it yet? 

Never breathe deep without you,

Escape yourself, find nothing.

Debt no wealth.

Is it the fear because your still near,

Tearing at this ratty soul.

Struggling daily , to avoid this broken heart,

Using the strongest glue.

My bleeding flesh, a day passes by.

You can shoot at the sky.

Mother Nature might shed a tear.

Your drought has already broken,

With waterfalls of tears.

Who do you want to be now?

Not even knowing where to start.

You, yourself tearing the world apart.

A disgrace always off ones face.

Escape it feels like a better place.

Like the high of live, slowly things change, 

As you start it come down.

Is it really worth it. Anyway?

Starting all over with humble pie,

Losing the love who was once was your life.

Don't look at the stars and cry.

Pick those feet up.

Next time I see you you won't know why,

I turned the other way it will be for humble pie.

I can't live with lies.

"SORRY IS A FIGURE OF SOMEONES IMAGINATION, THAT SORRY IS A WORD THAT MAKES EVERYTHING ALRIGHT" 

The dysfunctional life ..

How do families work? In this world today we all live with some kind of disfunction, it's a sad fact of life that many families have no connection to each other. 

We live in a world where bindies and thorns are not only in our grass but in our hearts. 

It is true that those who should accept us no matter what often make us feel the most isolated.

When you have children you see things differently you want a connection with those who should want a connection with you, in my life I have found that being accepted isn't the biggest problem, it's communication and lack of it, my own family can find me confronting, when they won't say things I'm the gun they load up and I'll shoot. Saying what may hurt, I have learnt what hurts others is often the truth. I have also learnt that on social media it's do as i say, listen to my opinion not Gina's. Such attacks on an individual can be distressing. We all deserve a right to defend ourselves. Or give our sides of a story. 

Sadly I'm not so deluded that I ignore my own intelligence and I often base things on facts or fairness because I don't like being wrong. I will speak words that will protect others just as vulnerable as my old self once was. My opinion and voice is something I have the ability to use unlike my body. Whilst people can sit sourly getting angry at me, I'm happy to unleash my troubles because I can't carry toxic things around inside. They hurt. 

A CERTAIN PROTECTION

Even though I have a sibling who wishes to ignore me I refuse to allow others to have a go at them. There will always be that loyalty there, even though you don't talk to me. You can bag me out with your lies and the story you are making up in your head about me, the reason you really dislike me is because is sent you an email that burst your bubble. And because you lack the ability to converse with me it won't be resolved and you will continue to make a story up about me asking you for money, I have your money but I am keeping it as compensation for your cruelty. All I wanted to do was be warm and you would kick me , call me a slut and a fucken little whore, I was 7. But I still protect you.

PURE IGNORANCE 

sadly children haven't been taught the same respect, enabling people to be arseholes doesn't help situations at all. Your children are that children and when adults are involved like aunties ,uncles even grand parents you are not a weapon and not should you use yourself as one. As pure as ignorance can be allowing children to ignore or be arseholes to people older than themselves is a terrible trait, it is adults who are parents who need to relay the parenting styles they wish returned to them, when you teach your children a behaviour such as being rude or ignorant to their elders, especially relatives you need yo give yourself a massive upper cut, you haven't only failed your children but also the society they live in by enabling such adults to behave in society. 

CAN WE GET PAST, THE PAST.

How dare we grow up just as our parents wanted us to, not be like others, to be yourself and then when you do your an outcast, school bullies create people they don't think so they think it's funny at the things they did, without realising the effects, and the effects can't be just left in the past, because they shape who you are or what you have become and achieved. When you lack confidence and self esteem you miss so many chances and opportunities to succeed. Unlike the bullies I have yet to forget you can't pick on someone every single day and expect them to move on, I didn't get that button nor that magic wand.

BEING DEPRESSED

Isn't it funny when you kill yourself everyone will say I wonder why.. They should have told me, I have and I have been ignored so my cries for help being ignored is just a s isolated as I feel in my daily life. Would I be missed, I doubt it, only 4 things would miss me and that's not enough, when you have more who should care, it's as though your cries for help are non existent so why care? Being in a Dark place hasn't been nice. I have been attacked by a person seeking popularity and attention no matter who they take down on their way to the club. Just because people agree with you it doesn't mean your right, it often means they are sheep and are too scared to rock the boat. You are all born with voices but fail to speak the truth or words that may get you unpopular with others who are involved in a toxic pool. You often need to think who is behind the screen and what's going on in their life, because people fail to visit face to face anymore, we are closing doors and pushing people away, and it's getting less personal each and everyday.

We are all so fucked and dysfunctional that it's becoming a fact in life that soon we won't have anyone beside us loneliness won't be a word it will be a state of life and mind. You won't have connections to humans we have lost it already, what we should live without , and what some of us want to live without like Facebook have created addicted monsters you can't talk to people on the phone or over a coffee anymore they have their faces often glued to a screen and wouldn't realise the skin cancer growing near your eye, they don't see the redness from the days you have cried, we need to step back and smash all of this that keeps us connected these days we need more hugs and conversations face to face. Before we lose all times of laughter and fun. Sad but true. The only reason I write this is because this is the only way your going to read it I was to say it, you might runaway like people in your day to day life not knowing what to say. Don't ignore the people you shouldn't because tomorrow could take them away ..