They aren't who they once were

Many could empathise with this, who is the person you once knew?

When your told a story sometimes if the person isn't dead if they are still living and they don't match that story and the person says to you "how am I meant to love a person, I don't even know or like anymore". Yet at the same time blaming themselves for the reason they are like this in the first place.

See many years ago, to many people's disbelief her brain was zapped to stop her from wanting to kill herself, relying in her eldest daughter for support during this time, she could see that her mother would commit the ultimate sin she would kill herself and leave a legacy. For her family, rather than seeing her mother do this she supported her having the depression gland in her brain to be terminated. Would you do the same? Knowing you had younger siblings knowing that if you didn't listen to doctors advice, psychologists advice that today we would be visiting a grave. 

She is a shell, she doesn't like me even though I am the one thing that holds her child up after and during these times of guilt. She has no filter and whilst she doesn't like my opinions, I use my mind, maybe this is what she fears most. 

My opinions stem from her own misuse of her children, no being able to connect on an emotional level or add the support they need, ignoring and enabling things and showing not by words but by actions there is a favourite in the mist.

I have kept quiet for sometime and I can't watch this destroy my partner because do the hurt, and the isolation to which she feels. What may seem a game to them a visious circle of denial we are the ones who suffer the most. You can't say a thing outloud because she will repeat it, why because she is fucked. And my opinion is if your going to hurt your own child and I'm the lover of that child you can't do it without having some kind of confrontation or conversation with someone who can see from the outside what's going on.

It's a shame people don't look at things from their own outside they would observe how stupid they look at times, I do it all the time. But even when I see what I have seen of myself it isn't that bad. I have morals and I'm loyal. I can not speak the same for others.

Family betrayal is the worst as it leaves damage in the wind, an empty feeling that a parent can leave a child is the worst feeling of all. Not feeling like you actually belong to them, if as a parent your going to pick a favourite don't say it outloud and do not allow your actions to portray your feelings.

When it comes to things I feel used and used badly. Being the first who will lend money or being the first to lend the ute. Yet having no one to help me when I need to collect wood to keep a baby warm. There seems to be no understanding and lots of ignorance happening that we do not understand. We can't make others think in a sensible way we have strong opinions, how dare we and no way. 

I am watching this destroy my partners feelings being here and maybe it's time to break with chains and move, find a place where home is home and no one else needs to be apart of our family. We intend on breaking the chains that have left us feeling alone and isolated as children. And they might not like this decision, but it needs to be made for us and our future as a family. My partner can't blame herself for not liking a person she is meant to. It's not her fault she can't see her own faults and won't change.

You can't be made to feel like shit and then be okay at the next family event, one of which we aren't invited to thanks to tax payer funded lap band surgery. Don't worry the weeding is soon. So after that she will be fat again by Christmas. Her failure is she still eats shit just smaller amounts of shit. She says we shouldn't feel special she treats everyone this way, now if this was your child who had children wouldn't you pull her aside and say something? Or would you just blame the educated child? 

You created this monster yet you enable it to get worse to use their children as weapons, even you are scared to say no, when she needs her free day care. Buying gifts doesn't make a grandma .. Ma it just proves that's all you can do. It scares me it should scare you, but you can not see this can you? You fail to see your own faults. 

You disrespected me when you talked behind my back, you disrespected the one person who has loved your child unconditionally. You ignore the fact I contribute. You ignore everything because all you see is what you want to see. Doesn't matter about me it matters about your child and if you can't see what your doing to her your more fucked than I thought. You best avoid me because all that happens when things come up, is another layer grows inside of me one that makes me want to confront and tell you how fucked you are and you don't like my opinions or what I say because what? They are true? Don't like your delusion being mixed up its best to continue to live the lie in your head as of it doesn't exist. But guess what it does, I might not be a bully enough for your daughter, maybe I'm not mental enough. Maybe I should be hitting her or controlling her or maybe I should just sign a prenup. Maybe you need to look at yourself and stop trying to analyse me because you know what you are way off track with me, you have no idea and you don't want to see it anyway, it would mess your delusion up. You need zapping again. One that zaps you back into reality because this fantasy you live right now is destroying your child emotionally. Who holds her when she is hurt? Me not you. 

You call me mental yet your on all the medication for mental stability. I have my mental state under control when one points fingers the way you have, I'm more concerned about you not me, but I'm more concerned about what you are doing to your daughter you know the one you pushed to get 100% in tests and when she got 99% you asked her where the other one percent was. You pushed one child not the others and look at them they have no qualifications, they have homes falling down. They don't even know the basics of how to do house keeping,  You can't even show your pride. 

Trust me on this one and I mean this loud and clear the chain stops and it breaks right here, you can't play games with my child's mother and think that your not playing games with my child as well. The time has come and I can't shut my mouth anymore the onion skin layers are peeled back now and the eye sting is coming. Never make a person feel low, especially your own beautiful intelligent child, treat the all equally and allow them all the tools to achieve, don't just throw expectations on one and not others. Be equal if you can't don't continue your garbage when you are 50 it's time, your half way, you could break these chains but your scared, your scared of the wrong person, I'm the one who will say something the other will use her children as a weapon, but your forgetting your the free baby sitter and you buy them shit. So you have done this yourself .. 

I doubt you will change but I wish I could have meet the person before not this one today. I don't like her much either, but I have to. I can't imagine that person being my mother.. 

Always

Always speak your mind, no matter how hurtful,or unkind.

Mistakes are made so we can learn.

Hurtful mistakes can make you crash and burn.

And when your the victim, you wonder when it's someone else's turn.

With sayings like "what comes around goes around".

Screwing with your head. 

It doesn't help when your the one lonely in your own head. 

Pain drives into ones heart, can make you crumble apart.

Wanting to die to be apart if something big like the sky.

Unwanted not needed and they will wonder why...

No hello, no call, nothing to say nothing. 

And when your left here your the one wondering why?

YESTERDAY I THOUGHG GODAY WOULD NEVER COME, BUT NOW ITS HERE, I WISH I HADNT WISHED IT AT ALL BECAUSE IT WENT AS FAST AS YESTERDAY AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED AT ALL.

Humble pie, lovers lie.

Humble pie, lovers lie,

Have you made it yet? 

Never breathe deep without you,

Escape yourself, find nothing.

Debt no wealth.

Is it the fear because your still near,

Tearing at this ratty soul.

Struggling daily , to avoid this broken heart,

Using the strongest glue.

My bleeding flesh, a day passes by.

You can shoot at the sky.

Mother Nature might shed a tear.

Your drought has already broken,

With waterfalls of tears.

Who do you want to be now?

Not even knowing where to start.

You, yourself tearing the world apart.

A disgrace always off ones face.

Escape it feels like a better place.

Like the high of live, slowly things change, 

As you start it come down.

Is it really worth it. Anyway?

Starting all over with humble pie,

Losing the love who was once was your life.

Don't look at the stars and cry.

Pick those feet up.

Next time I see you you won't know why,

I turned the other way it will be for humble pie.

I can't live with lies.

"SORRY IS A FIGURE OF SOMEONES IMAGINATION, THAT SORRY IS A WORD THAT MAKES EVERYTHING ALRIGHT" 

The dysfunctional life ..

How do families work? In this world today we all live with some kind of disfunction, it's a sad fact of life that many families have no connection to each other. 

We live in a world where bindies and thorns are not only in our grass but in our hearts. 

It is true that those who should accept us no matter what often make us feel the most isolated.

When you have children you see things differently you want a connection with those who should want a connection with you, in my life I have found that being accepted isn't the biggest problem, it's communication and lack of it, my own family can find me confronting, when they won't say things I'm the gun they load up and I'll shoot. Saying what may hurt, I have learnt what hurts others is often the truth. I have also learnt that on social media it's do as i say, listen to my opinion not Gina's. Such attacks on an individual can be distressing. We all deserve a right to defend ourselves. Or give our sides of a story. 

Sadly I'm not so deluded that I ignore my own intelligence and I often base things on facts or fairness because I don't like being wrong. I will speak words that will protect others just as vulnerable as my old self once was. My opinion and voice is something I have the ability to use unlike my body. Whilst people can sit sourly getting angry at me, I'm happy to unleash my troubles because I can't carry toxic things around inside. They hurt. 

A CERTAIN PROTECTION

Even though I have a sibling who wishes to ignore me I refuse to allow others to have a go at them. There will always be that loyalty there, even though you don't talk to me. You can bag me out with your lies and the story you are making up in your head about me, the reason you really dislike me is because is sent you an email that burst your bubble. And because you lack the ability to converse with me it won't be resolved and you will continue to make a story up about me asking you for money, I have your money but I am keeping it as compensation for your cruelty. All I wanted to do was be warm and you would kick me , call me a slut and a fucken little whore, I was 7. But I still protect you.

PURE IGNORANCE 

sadly children haven't been taught the same respect, enabling people to be arseholes doesn't help situations at all. Your children are that children and when adults are involved like aunties ,uncles even grand parents you are not a weapon and not should you use yourself as one. As pure as ignorance can be allowing children to ignore or be arseholes to people older than themselves is a terrible trait, it is adults who are parents who need to relay the parenting styles they wish returned to them, when you teach your children a behaviour such as being rude or ignorant to their elders, especially relatives you need yo give yourself a massive upper cut, you haven't only failed your children but also the society they live in by enabling such adults to behave in society. 

CAN WE GET PAST, THE PAST.

How dare we grow up just as our parents wanted us to, not be like others, to be yourself and then when you do your an outcast, school bullies create people they don't think so they think it's funny at the things they did, without realising the effects, and the effects can't be just left in the past, because they shape who you are or what you have become and achieved. When you lack confidence and self esteem you miss so many chances and opportunities to succeed. Unlike the bullies I have yet to forget you can't pick on someone every single day and expect them to move on, I didn't get that button nor that magic wand.

BEING DEPRESSED

Isn't it funny when you kill yourself everyone will say I wonder why.. They should have told me, I have and I have been ignored so my cries for help being ignored is just a s isolated as I feel in my daily life. Would I be missed, I doubt it, only 4 things would miss me and that's not enough, when you have more who should care, it's as though your cries for help are non existent so why care? Being in a Dark place hasn't been nice. I have been attacked by a person seeking popularity and attention no matter who they take down on their way to the club. Just because people agree with you it doesn't mean your right, it often means they are sheep and are too scared to rock the boat. You are all born with voices but fail to speak the truth or words that may get you unpopular with others who are involved in a toxic pool. You often need to think who is behind the screen and what's going on in their life, because people fail to visit face to face anymore, we are closing doors and pushing people away, and it's getting less personal each and everyday.

We are all so fucked and dysfunctional that it's becoming a fact in life that soon we won't have anyone beside us loneliness won't be a word it will be a state of life and mind. You won't have connections to humans we have lost it already, what we should live without , and what some of us want to live without like Facebook have created addicted monsters you can't talk to people on the phone or over a coffee anymore they have their faces often glued to a screen and wouldn't realise the skin cancer growing near your eye, they don't see the redness from the days you have cried, we need to step back and smash all of this that keeps us connected these days we need more hugs and conversations face to face. Before we lose all times of laughter and fun. Sad but true. The only reason I write this is because this is the only way your going to read it I was to say it, you might runaway like people in your day to day life not knowing what to say. Don't ignore the people you shouldn't because tomorrow could take them away ..