I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if living is hell and when you die is when you actually have freedom and not a worry in the world. Who knows what happens when we pass, we could all be just work food. Some of us probably better tasting then the rest.

We all try and find something in life to connect us to something it maybe our partner our families or even our job, we all have dreams and desires but sometimes we get so stuck with what's going on we forget to look and see the future. We all have one think about it, this moment we live now will become a memory a lesson you will learn something from. It may make you distant it may do nothing, but it won't continue, 

I believe everyone in a time of their life they have felt alone, isolated and sad, some more than others. In society it's a struggle to find you place to be accepted for what ever you become, you come into a world and people love you unconditionally, they have these dreams for you, they try and instil their thoughts and opinions in you , and then you grow up and form your own, and it may differ from theirs but it's doesn't mean it's wrong. There are many differneces between being wrong and right. It's how you perceive things. Some can see things with open eyes and an open mind others just use one or the other and don't change their ignorance. 

Not everyone is right even if you say something, it may not be what another thinks but at the end of the day where was it we learn things? Our parents in the old days teachers didn't have the responsibly to teach your children how to read, remember when parents read a book before bed? I don't really remember it but I like to pretend I did receive this in my life, but considering my reading level is so poor I doubt it, it may just be that dream I have or that thing I wished for, sometimes we can convince ourselves we had something that we didn't, 

Our childhood and forever in your life your family are this part of it, whilst they will bicker and turn against you they will expect you to pull a seat up at the Christmas table and chew the food with a smile. If a friend treated people the way some families treat them you wouldn't go back for more. When you are pushed out your out. You know your young too have to fight in the end. Regardless I am still my fathers daughter and it was he he worked hard to provide for us. We always owned a home, we always had food. We just didn't have that thing that every kid wants time with their parents, learning things, the only real communication I remember is being told I was stupid. Or it could have been a good day and how that girl on the hockey field was a hog and I should have played a game or whatever, 

Maybe I expect to much. But a family is this model of people who allow a person to grow and thrive into adults productive adults, the more you seperate yourself from them the more you have a risk that, your child will miss out. But it is them who miss out when they don't visit. 

I wonder now when I will see happiness and this will go away? But questioning my grief is like questioning why the trees grow the way they do. Grief is something I have felt since the day my father died and all connection was lost. I don't know who is lying anymore or telling the truth, I can only make decisions on what's happening and what I see and this, what I see is a disgusting display of how to love a child forever. Does a parent hit an age and stop caring or did they not care all along? 

Every single mountain has a place that's hard to climb it's like life every situation has emotion attached to it, you can come out scar free or you can come out damaged as well, we get both. We can't have one without the othwr, forgive and forget? You can't you have feelings this is when you know you have a heart and you care when it hurts and you can see that you have been set up like a stupid puppet. 

Maybe this is just a practice run for the next life, where I will pick better family not just go yup that will do, is it so I can come back count my losses and not need to wait for others to cross my way? Who knows I guess I'll let you know the day I die....

I'd rather have pets than family

A mothers love should be unconditional not based on manipulation and games, if you are reading this you probably googled something and this blog come up.

This story is one of a fucked family who can not accept a child, a child whom made there house full of laughter once, but that child is gay oh fuck me how terrible for them to have such shame, connected to them in this way. 

Whilst I can see my mother is onset of dementia especially when she sends a daughter who she doesn't talk to a birthday card and ignores another, you could have a sibling who is using their own powers to egg what they want, the inheritance. This will be going toward her care, you failed caring for her when you failed to notice the signs. 

A young baby born bearing the surname foreign to others but familar to us, we have taken our heritage seriously and want to connect to it because the way families in this country connect is "sz lack" or on their own terms. Twisting and telling stories whilst I have written evidence so when you lie once my evidence makes you whole story fall down. But not wanting to know this baby is your loss, it's not uo to me a ill person to travel to visit you, it goes two ways, 

I didn't call on your birthday well I did Infact and I asked what it was like to be 70 , it was you who rejected our gift of a small family trip. You would rather a weather meter one that measures the rain, so the only ones that do that mount to the roof, that golden son whom is neglecting to look after you is too lazy to get on the roof, so get a basic one that doesn't measure the rain and then I'm the useless daughter all over again. That's unfair to be this way and the problem is your continuing this bitter turning of people against each other chain, in vein what ever it be your doing the wrong things and you need to stop, I can't tell you what would I know? I mean I have an illness my work is palmistry and tarot readings. I'm not a shitty cleaner, does it make you wonder if you caused your own work demise when you made me, convinced me guilt tripped me into messaging a work colleague about your neice. 

You wiped your hands of this but feed the bullet until it shot, maybe they thought you were aggressive when I was seven, you were pathetic when I look back on it, that and cruel you think because you walked your kids like dogs you were a good father?  Considering they call you by your first name instead if dad should tell you how bad you were as a parent, a child should always respect that of their parent. But when you allow disrespect you can not expect them to thrive and be good role models towards their own children.

My sister the drunk doesn't even understand why I am being called dad and believes I'll confuse our child, don't send her to school she said, and I won't socialise her either. What's a father these days? It's not the person that comes in your vagina to make your child it's the person who protects the family, changes the tyres on their kids cars. The first person they go to with a problem, because ia don't have a dick doesn't mean I can't be dad, there are plenty of dick bearing fathers out there not doing there job, the name should be associated with good memories not judgement, she will always know she is a donor child, just because her donors sperm was used to make her does not make him a father, a father is in a child's life. Maybe people need to stop giving men credit for their dicks and maybe look at how they treat their products. 

It's kind of all twisted when you refer to this concept, Jesus is the son of god, so who is god? An identity. So that makes them what male/ female or are we all just seriously believing in twisted truth? I don't follow the teachings of the bible, I can't read twists and tongue or something that judges another before taking ownership of their own problems. Fuck I'm far from perfect and I have never ever said I was. I'm opinionated because when I was a young child my parents wanted me to be a leader , now they want me to be silent a follower. That's not who I am and they should look at me as their product. They made this, maybe they need to go back through their lives as parents and remind themselves that they neglected their children of three important words "I love you". 

There is no person in this world who can deem themselves higher than another we are not that powerful as humans we like to believe we all have this power but we don't we are all the same at the end of the day, we crave the same thing love. Being pulled and torn, pushed between things because they can't do it and then throwing their hands up in the air and blaming that I smoke pot. Like fucken seriously , I hope you never have a muscle disease and need to smoke it yourself it's a very narrow minded view when that's how you see things, OxyContin is better than pot? Maybe you need to take 20 years of the shit yourself before you come to this conclusion,I don't understand how they keep their eyes shit and keep on being nasty. You don't want me , do not talk about me. Don't even say I exist if I provoke you that much change your surname. Or learn more about your heritage and let your fucken hair down. 

My mother wouldn't know how to love something without getting something in return, her negatives and enabling of stupidity is a terrible trait one at which frustrates the shit out of me. My mother may work at a charity organisation, but charity starts at home, you shouldn't be giving advice or helping miserable people when in your real life your nasty. In real life you neglected your own children, in real life your a cunt. Just because you work at a charity and converted to being a catholic doesn't mean it wipes out all the bad shit you have done in life. If still all counts. Is this another reason you hate me is because I am able to be happy and have what I want in my life when you couldn't? Because you had missed out on things you said so should we, most parents want better for their kids, it makes me wonder why did you even bother breeding? Society was it? 

Your older children are all insecure they can't be alone , if a relationship fails they need something to replace it, I believe if my brothers ex wife said come back to me, he would go. No doubt why would you be with a person for ten years and not live with them but use all their utilities? That's using a person when you should be at home caring for our mother, remember my birthday when you tied to hit on that other woman, and people think you wouldn't have it in you, who knows what you have in you, your as miserable as her and you both fester in that house. With your negative gossip and putying down of others, hello siblings were meant to stick by each other, when did they become all high and mighty? Many have secrets I don't in transparent you can see it all, if I do something wrong I'll explain it all I don't care I'll take my own fall. I'll take skin off break the bones and all. 

One day ill work out why we need family because I see it as totally over rated especially if they are using bullshit to manipulate it. Fucken cut me from it. But know this when she goes I'll get my fair share or nothing at all but I won't use tactics to make sure others miss put or take a fall, I bet he gets her to sign it all over to him, she wouldn't remember. Her memory has been thin for sometime it's as though she has forgotten who she was and tries to be this other person, I haven't forgotten when you have the scars you don't. 

O